Liability
by Just Another Angry Feminist
Summary: Poppy Whitewall is a pureblood Gryffindor whose parents are pureblood elitists. She tried to be what they wanted and ended up getting burned for it, ending with her moving in with her best friend. A best friend who is convinced Sirius Black is in love with her, but he's so hot and cold it's hard to keep up. Can Poppy move past her demons or let them consume her?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, I am also currently writing a Marauders' era piece for Remus. I have a newly found obsession with the characters and can't stop writing about them. I hope you a enjoy!**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING* if you are triggered by rape, there is a slight scene in this chapter but not the entire book. The scene isn't graphic, it's barely even there, but I wanted to put this out there.**

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I pulled Venus' cage closer to me and ducked my head down as I hustled through the crowds in King's Cross with my best friend, Delaney. It was my first time without my parents and it felt both liberating and terrifying at the same time. There could be curses thrown in my direction or, worse, thrown at Lanie's parents because of me at any second. They put themselves in even more danger when they took me in (her father being a muggle and her mother a witch), but they reassured me there was no other option. When I Flooed to their place with a fractured orbital bone from a decanter of whisky thrown by my mother, Delaney's mother decided I was never going back.

Unfortunately, broken bones weren't an uncommon occurrence in the Whitewall family. Especially my broken bones, they tended to occur more and more since I was Sorted into Gryffindor instead of Slytherin like my entire family previously. They'd have preferred me be a Hufflepuff than a 'blood traitor' but that ship sailed before I was even at Hogwarts. Even with blood purist parents, I knew their view on life was severely warped. People were people, no matter their lineage.

As if she sensed my inner monologue, Delaney flashed me a reassuring smile and I felt my heartbeat slowing down. Her dad gave my shoulder a pat and the rest of my anxiety slowly faded. He was a muggle and her mum was a pureblood, something considered worse than blasphemy to the pureblood supremacists like my parents -just behind muggleborns of course. They threw a monstrous fit when they realized who my best friend was and I was on the receiving end of my mother's temper that resulted in a slap to the face so hard I tasted blood but was smart enough to not leave scars.

The only scar I have is a thin line stretching from my chin up to the edge of my left eye. When I was fourteen, I tried really hard to get back into my parents' good graces during a time when I'd lost my sense of self. I went to a gala with the boy they wanted me to marry when we were of age and I'd never seen my mother so proud. While we were at the gala, he seemed to think I was his possession and he could do whatever he wanted to me without complaint. Being a pureblood female meant being submissive to your husband and that just wasn't me.

He was very handsy all night, touching my bum and brushing "accidently" against my boobs as he reached for a drink off the tray. He was sixteen at the time and every move made me extremely uncomfortable. At one point, we were in a hallway alone, how I'm still a bit fuzzy on two years later. He was whispering in my ear as he held a crystalline wine glass in his free hand and the other stroked over the skin of my neck.

The hand on my neck eased down my throat slowly to take the edge of my sweetheart bodice in his fingers, yanking it away from my skin before I could stop him. As hard as I struggled to push him off, it ended fruitlessly. He had me pinned to the wall so hard, I found bruises later that night. He squeezed my breast too harshly and a whimper escaped me; my wand was in a sheath on my thigh -out of my reach -and my wandless magic was nonexistent at that time. He was going to rape me and there was nothing I could do about it

He pressed harsh kisses to the skin of my neck with too much teeth and I acted without thinking. I brought my knee up and hit him between his legs on a whim, causing him to relax his hold on me. I'd just gotten my dress pulled back up when I heard glass shatter. He'd broken the wine glass against the brick wall behind us and was pressing the jagged edge just under my chin, it pierced my skin and I felt a trickle of blood fall down my collarbone and stain my white dress.

"If you want to act ugly, I'll make you ugly," he hissed before dragging the glass up my skin to the corner of my eye and sending needles of pain through my body.

He left after that and I bawled my eyes out in the hallway by myself. Eventually, I gathered myself and went back to the Floo. I just wanted to go home.

My mother didn't care I was hurt, she just cared I'd ruined my chances of becoming a Nott. She refused to take me to a healer because of how it would look. She also told me I deserved the scar for being such an "ungrateful little bitch."

Absentmindedly, I reached up and rubbed my jaw as we continued making our way through the crowded station. It was a mindless gesture, but I was really glad the Kalums didn't see it. I really didn't want to talk about what I was thinking.

"As always, Sirius Black is trying his best to not be caught staring at you longingly," Delaney whispered to me with a salacious grin. "He is so fit, Pops, I don't understand why you haven't gone after him."

"He's beautiful but unattainable to a girl like me," I replied, keeping my voice down so her parents wouldn't hear our conversation. "He and I have never even spoken to each other, he probably just wants to know where I got my scar."

That was a joke, but Delaney didn't laugh. "Why don't you believe me when I say you're gorgeous?"

I was self-conscious about my looks, my parents insured I'd be that way growing up. No boy worth anything wanted a girl who was full of herself. I also knew people didn't fancy girls with facial scarring, another thing drilled into my head by my doting mother. I was a walking case mummy issues.

"I'm nothing special, Lanie," I replied, my face heating up uncomfortably. "I'm not a looker like you."

Just like I knew she would, she flushed bright red and started spluttering. "We're not talking about me, Poppy, we're talking about you."

"Whatever you say," I conceded, stopping once we were at the scarlet engine. I turned to her parents and felt a smile fall into place on my lips. "Thank you so much for taking me in. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know."

Her mom pulled me into a tight hug before passing me to her father and telling me, "You don't need to thank us, dear. You've been ours since you defended Delaney first year."

We were getting off the train when I heard someone ridiculing Delaney over her blood status and braces. She and I were sort of friends, but I didn't really let people get close to me easily. The last thing I wanted was to have other people hurt me or be disappointed in me. But there was no way I could let those kids be mean to her while we were still technically on Hogwarts' grounds and I could use magic. She was shy and would never use magic against another wizard, but I had no reservations for defended people. I put my body in front of hers and wielded my wand at the four older boys in green robes, shocker. Me defending her took us from barely friends to inseparable in an instant.

"It was nothing, Mrs. Kalum," I reassured her, stepping out of Mr. Kalum's embrace.

"Regardless, we're thankful for you and we love you," Mr. Kalum told me. "And call us Henry and Izzie, please."

I chuckled and nodded my head, promising to do as instructed. I gave Delaney some alone time with her parents and headed to the train. I floated my trunk off the cart and held the crate with Venus, my cat, in my hand as I boarded. Mine and Delaney's usual car had voices coming out of it, making my eyebrows raise in confusion. With my trunk still floating beside me, I opened the door and found the Marauders inside.

"Poppy! How are you?" James greeted as if we were all the best of friends.

"Confused," I replied, lowering my trunk to the ground and sitting Venus' cage on top. "Is there a reason you're in mine and Delaney's car?"

"Oh, wow, we're sorry," Remus replied, but the smirk on his face told me he wasn't being genuine. "We weren't aware we could own cars."

I snorted despite my annoyance and said, "Yeah, it's this new thing Dumbledore's trying. That way there's less altercation over the best cars. There is a war brewing after all, the less casualties the better."

He smiled and surrendered, holding up his hands to prove his point. "Fair enough, who I am to argue with Dumbledore's orders?"

"We can leave if you want," Sirius said suddenly, making all our eyes flash over to him in surprise.

"Hey, what's happening? Why are we not in our car?" Delaney asked, standing on her tiptoes to look over my shoulder and see what was inside. "Oh, it's full of Marauders. That's a good reason."

I was still surprised by Sirius' sudden outburst, it was very out of character for him. He was always so collected and his tongue was sharp as a blade. It was reassuring that his friends also thought his stiff reaction was odd and I wasn't reading too much into things.

The only reason I was so comfortable teasing Remus was because we'd talked a couple times before. I was always better around people I'd had previous encounters with. He was smart and funny, the two of us feeding off each other until our sides were aching with laughter.

"The two of you are welcome to join us, if you'd like," James offered, eyeing Sirius and waggling his brows. "Isn't that right, Padfoot?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely," he replied a few beats later.

I looked over at Delaney and saw her shrug. We never really shared our car with people, mostly because no one tried to share with us. Being in a car with the Marauders seemed like an interesting way to spend the time between London and Hogwarts.

I shrank mine and Lanie's trunks before hefting them up onto the luggage rack with the others. She sat beside Remus quickly, leaving the spot beside Sirius open for me. The group of them didn't pick up on what she was doing, but I knew very well. She was trying to get proof of Sirius' 'infatuation' with me I knew didn't exist and not being very subtle about it.

"Do you mind if I let Venus out?" I asked, her crate sitting on my lap. "She's lazy and will more than likely just sleep on my lap the entire ride."

They all agreed and I unlatched the lock, allowing Venus to crawl out. I put her crate up with our trunks and allowed her to explore her surroundings. She wound around Delaney's ankles before sniffing Remus, jumping up into his lap and eyeing him skeptically before moving on to Peter. She just huffed and jumped straight to James, making Peter's face scrunch up in displeasure.

"She's a bit finnicky when it comes to new people," I explained, trying to ease his displeasure.

"Wonder where she got that from," Delaney teased, making me roll my eyes.

Like she'd heard me, Venus left James a couple seconds later to land on Sirius and freeze. Then the hair on her back stood on end and she hissed defensively, her tail bristling. I felt my eyes widen in surprise before I reached over and stroked behind her ears to try and soothe her before she hurt him.

"Venus, love, it's okay," I whispered quietly to her. "Come over to me, don't shred Sirius to bits."

He raised his hand slowly and allowed her to sniff him, making her hair slowly lay back down. She nuzzled into his palm and purred happily a few seconds later. My eyebrows knitted together, she wasn't like this unless she was around other animals… how strange.

By the time she made her way to my lap and curled up to nap, we'd been on the train for about half an hour. Delaney was also eyeing the white cat on my thighs, knowing she was never this way with humans. We didn't see her for a couple days over the summer and found her sleeping on the couch in Delaney's attic, her preferred location to sleep to avoid being interrupted by pesky humans. The only human's she interacted with were me and Delaney, she avoided everyone else. Oddly enough, she got on very well with the Kalum family's dog though.

"So, how was your summer?" James asked the two of us.

Mine was horrendous and I had a broken orbital bone, but I really didn't want to tell them about it. Delaney knew what I was thinking and immediately picked up the slack, telling them about the time we spent at the beach. Her mum had connections with the Ministry and they basically paid for our trip to Greece if she did some research on muggle relations there.

I ran my fingers over Venus's soft fur as I studied the scuffed toes of my Converse instead of the conversation. When James directed a question to me, I looked up in confusion. I probably should've been paying more attention.

"Sorry, I wasn't listening," I admitted sheepishly. "Can you repeat the question?"

"And how you're doing better than me in Potions I'll never understand," Remus quipped from across the car.

"I tend to stay conscious, it makes learning easier," I retorted easily.

Delaney snorted and Remus' laughter soon followed, making pride fill me. I wasn't trying to be awkward, it was just a character trait at this point. Lanie had this theory that I did it as a protection mechanism, a way to keep myself separated from other people and I didn't disagree.

"It's not my fault Potions makes me want a lobotomy," he told me after his laughter died down. My confusion must've been clear on my face because he quickly explained, "It's a dated muggle surgery used to treat mental illness where you shove an ice pick into the brain. It's very unpleasant and doesn't work, it's considered unethical and is banned."

I just nodded, but I was still confused. Being a pureblood made muggle things hard to grasp sometimes, it was why I'd taken Muggle Studies religiously since it was offered. It wasn't necessary to become a Healer, but I couldn't find it in me to drop the course.

Conversation flowed amongst us easily after that, but I noticed one person being peculiarly silent. I glanced over at Sirius and saw him already looking at me. Instead of smirking like I'd seen him do with many other girls, he looked away fast and I think I caught a glance of flushed cheeks before his hair blocked my view.

There was no way Delaney was right… was there?

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 **Thanks for reading! If you liked it, leave me a review and tell me what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I couldn't control myself, I had to post the next chapter! There aren't any trigger warnings for this chapter, but I'll put a note at the top of the chapter if there are any. Just watch out for them.**

 **Also, I own nothing familiar. That all belongs to J.K. Rowling.**

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Getting off the Express was almost worse than getting onto it. There were so many people everywhere, stepping on feet and bumping into me in their haste to get to the carriages. If it wasn't for Delaney's dedication most years, we would be one of the last people at the castle. This year, however, we had the addition of four Marauders for some reason -they were sticking to us like glue.

On the carriage, I sat beside Remus with James on my other side and Delaney across from us with Sirius on her side and Peter on his other side. She and James were talking about Quidditch; she was obsessed with the sport and I didn't really care much for it. I only went to games when she made me, which meant I went to every single game of the season.

"I've seen the two of you in the crowd before," Sirius spoke up, making me look at him instead of the toes of my trainers.

"Really?" Peter asked. "You only ever talk about…"

Before he could finish, James stomped on his foot and silenced him. I glanced at Delaney and saw her smirking. What was she so smug about? Peter's statement could've meant a lot of things, it didn't necessarily relate back to me. For all we'd heard so far, Sirius could fancy her instead of me.

"Yeah, she's been known to drag me to a game or two," I replied, trying to alleviate the awkward tension building between us in the small carriage.

I could feel said carriage slowing down as we approached the castle and my anxiety faded. I hated being this close to them, I just wanted to go somewhere without people crushing in around me. I had to get through the Sorting and feast, and then I could decompress in my comfy bed.

"We're throwing a party in the common room tonight," James announced in a loud whisper, winking at us dramatically. "And you guys are invited."

Delaney snorted before she asked, "Like you've done for the past two years? I never would've guessed."

Her sarcastic response made me snicker, a snort coming out without my permission. I immediately covered my mouth in embarrassment, my snorts were too over the top! I was going to start blathering on, trying to explain the annoying sound away, when I saw how Sirius was looking at me. It wasn't his normal smirk with mischievous eyes, it was soft and open in a way I wasn't aware he could be. My heart started pounding in my chest so hard I expected my ribs to crack at any second. What the hell?

Before I could think too much about what happened, the carriage pulled to a stop. The door opened magically and Sirius jumped out first, offering me his hand when I tried to follow him down. I sheepishly took it in mine, trying to ignore how big and warm they were against mine. They were also delightfully rough against my skin, and it made my face flush.

I stepped to the side and waited for Delaney, linking our arms before heading inside together. We made our way to the Great Hall and sat in our usual space, my stomach groaning at the thought of food. I'd eaten earlier on the train, but I was starving now.

"Do you still think Sirius doesn't fancy you?" she whispered, leaning closer to me so we wouldn't be overheard. "He was like a puppy! He kept watching you and trying to not get caught, it was almost sweet."

"Okay, he might have a thing for me," I admitted reluctantly. "But I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this information. I'm damaged goods, Lanie."

"You stop that right now!" she hissed, hitting my arm with the back of her hand. "You are an amazing person, stop putting yourself down."

I sighed dramatically and laid my head on the table with my hands folded underneath. Delaney's favorite thing to do was to make me feel good about myself. Most of the time it worked, but sometimes I worked myself up into a fit. Thankfully, I wasn't that bad today.

Delaney greeted someone and I felt people sit down across from us, but I didn't look up. I figured it was Lily, Mary, and Alice, the girls we shared a dorm with who understood my anxiety-induced mood changes. I was pretty steady most of the time, but they knew about how overwhelmed I got with being around new people in close quarters. I never explained to them what caused it, but I wasn't stupid. I'm a pureblood who got Sorted into Gryffindor and never talked about my family, it didn't take a genius to put the pieces together.

"How were your summers?" Lily asked.

"Not nearly as important as the train ride to Hogwarts," Delaney exclaimed in excitement, then she pitched her voice lower to continue. "Sirius fancies Poppy! I've basically proven it already."

The three of them gasped as if the news somehow changed their lives. I raised my head and saw them all staring at me, expecting me to say something about what happened. Before I could, I saw the Marauders passing behind the girls and shut up. Lily had very cleverly placed herself between Mary and Alice, meaning James couldn't sit beside her and bug her for the entirety of the Sorting and feast.

Thankfully, they sat far enough down the table they couldn't hear what we were talking about. "It doesn't matter if he fancies me or not, it's never going to happen. In other news, we got invites to the party tonight from the throwers themselves."

"And by all of us she means James invited her because he knew Sirius wanted her there. Then it was implied that we could all come," Delaney revised, making my cheeks heat up for the millionth time. "He was just too nervous to ask; you guys should've seen the way he acted around her! He was kept blushing when she looked at him and he was being so awkward, it was the cutest thing!"

"I never thought I'd see the day Sirius Black blushed. He's always so charming and confident," Mary replied, the Sorting starting and making it impossible for anyone to hear our conversation except us. "I've noticed him looking at you and we all talk about the possibility of him liking you, but this proves it!"

Our conversation stopped as we got interested in the Sorting. It was like we were all flashing back to our own Sorting, but I didn't think of it fondly. I remember being so nervous I'd nearly thrown up. I knew there would be harsh repercussions if I wasn't put in Slytherin, but that was the last House I wanted to be placed in. Plus, there was all the nerves at being watched by tons of other witches and wizards.

I couldn't lie, moving in with the Kalums took so much weight off my shoulders. It honestly felt like I could breathe for the first time in my life. It was selfish, I was putting them in imminent danger with my presence and I knew that. They never made me feel guilty about that and reassured me they'd gladly take some of the weight from me, it was far too much for me to bare alone. For the first time in my entire life, I knew what it was like to have parents who loved you and wanted to take care of you and I would always be grateful.

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The girls were all flitting around the dorm, trying to put together the perfect outfits for the party. I'd gone to a few of them, but parties weren't really my thing. They triggered memories I wanted to forget, like the reason I had the scar on my face.

"Pops, you look hot!" Mary complimented when I came out of the bathroom in my crop top and high-waisted jeans. "Sirius is going to lose his freakin' mind!"

I just laughed awkwardly and charmed my curls into place, perching on the edge of my bed to wait for the other girls. The party started at eleven and it was currently half past, we were going to be fashionably late -a thing my mother always told me was a good thing. Purebloods loved to have everyone's attention, another reason I didn't fit into that world.

After fifteen or so more minutes passed, we were ready to make our entrance to the party. I walked with Delaney as the other girls led the way to the common room. Even at the base of the staircase, I couldn't hear any of the music that had to be thumping if the bouncing picture frames were an inclination. One of the Marauders must have placed a silencing charm around the entire room, a feat not easily accomplished.

"Ready?" Mary asked before stepping forward through the threshold and being deafened by the music. "Oh, that was a strong charm!"

"Thank you, thank you very much," James announced, coming over to the group of us and tossing a predictable arm around Lily's shoulders. "I'm a genius, I'm glad you noticed."

"Alcohol, where would I find it?" Delaney asked, drawing his attention away from Lily long enough to point across the room.

She took my hand and lead the way to where he'd pointed. There were three tables full of drinks and snacks, making me raise my brows. It was very impressive how skilled the four of them were with magic. Sneaking all this food here couldn't have been easy to do without being caught.

While she poured herself a goblet full of Firewhisky, I grabbed myself a Butterbeer. She didn't even bat a lash, she knew I didn't drink. I watched as she chugged down the burning liquid and I saw her wince afterwards. Delaney was dead set on getting totally sloshed tonight and I would probably end up being her babysitter.

Delaney sipped her next cup of Firewhisky as she led the way back into the party. She pulled me into the throng of dancers, moving her hips goofily with the aid of alcohol. I sighed and started dancing along with her because it was nearly impossible not to, she was too funny and it was too fun.

"Poppy! You love this song!" she shouted over The Rolling Stones song playing around the common room.

"How funny is that? Sirius also loves this song!" James announced, swooping in out of nowhere with Sirius just behind him. "What a coincidence!"

It was obvious he'd reached the level of drunk that made him even more obnoxious than usual, and I had no idea that was even possible. I was surprised he'd left Lily's side and looked around to find her, but the redhead was nowhere to be seen.

"James is also very drunk and loves every song!" Sirius replied, making me laugh and Delaney grin at the two of us.

"Come on, James, let's go dance!" Delaney shrieked, grabbing his hand and dragging him as far away from Sirius and I as she could get.

"Is it just me or are your friends the best hype squad around?" I asked awkwardly, sloshing the contents in my can instead of looking at him.

He laughed and I flashed my eyes up to him. "Your laugh is really nice, especially when it's not at someone else's expense."

I watched him wince slightly before a wry smile tugged at his lips. "Yeah, I can see how that would be true."

He was rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly when I realized something unusual. "I don't think I've ever seen you at one of this parties sober. What's different about this one?"

I watched his face flush before he quickly replied, "Just turning over a new leaf, I suppose."

That didn't sound legitimate and I was about to point that out when a girl appeared out of nowhere. She placed herself right between the two of us, shoving me backwards roughly. I stumbled a bit, spilling my Butterbeer on my top and soaking it.

A frustrated sigh left me and I turned to leave the two of them alone. I was flooded with shame, I'd let the girls convince me one of the most sought-after blokes in Hogwarts fancied me. Obviously, that was complete rubbish. Case and point, the girl speaking to him and spilling Butterbeer all over me and ruining whatever was happening between us… if anything was even happening at all.

I was almost to the steps up to my dormitory when someone grabbed my wrist. I turned around and saw Sirius standing behind me. He looked nervous and upset while trying to cover it up at the same time.

"What's up? I'm going to get cleaned up, I'm kind of wet," I told him, gesturing to my torso. "I thought you were otherwise distracted anyway."

"I can see that," he replied, glancing at my chest and looking away quickly. "You might want to cross your arms over your chest because, uhm, you're kind of, sort of, uh…"

He trailed off and I looked down to see what he was talking about. The coldness of the Butterbeer made my body react, my nipples were poking out in my top. It was thin and so was the bra I was wearing underneath it. There wasn't much coverage.

"Merlin, that is so embarrassing!" I cried, covering myself up and turning away from him quickly.

"Hey, come with me," he requested from behind, placing his hand on my shoulder. When I was a bit reluctant, he added, "I swear you can trust me."

I just nodded slowly and followed him up the boys' staircase, trying to ignore how inappropriate this felt. I kept my arms tightly over my chest, trying to ignore the awkwardness that enveloped us once we left the party and entered the silent stairwell.

He pushed open the door of his dormitory and held it open for me. Then he went to a bed and dug around the trunk in front of it, coming up with a black t-shirt. He tried to toss it to me only for it to hit the ground at my feet because I refused to move my arms away from my chest again. I'd had enough embarrassment for the night.

"Wow, that was really stupid," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before coming over to me and picking up the shirt. "I'm just going to drape this over your shoulder, then. The bathroom's right there, if you want to go change…"

I just nodded and scurried into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I leaned back against it and took a calming breath before moving my arms. My nipples weren't hard anymore, but the Butterbeer made the thin shirt almost see-through. My strapless, lace bra was on display and made the entire situation even more humiliating. This wasn't the way I wanted to start my sixth year.

I took off my wet clothes and did a quick cleansing charm on my sticky skin before pulling on Sirius' shirt. It went down to midthigh and was made of really soft material. I prepared myself to go back out to him without a bra on, but at least my nipples wouldn't be as easy to see. There wasn't a lot more I could do to embarrass myself at this point.

He was sitting on the edge of his bed and jumped to his feet when he saw me come out of the bathroom. His eyes trailed down my body and he licked his lips before taking his bottom one between his teeth. An unfamiliar shiver hit my spine, I'd never been looked at the way he was looking at me and enjoyed it. Usually, whenever guys looked at me sexually, it made me feel dirty. My stomach clenched up when Sirius did it, my teeth digging into my bottom lip.

Sirius slowly walked over to me, stopping when there was only a few inches between us. The intimacy in the moment was terrifying and I hated it but loved it at the same time. I watched him slowly raise his hand to cup my cheek. If I thought his hand felt nice when it was holding mine, it felt amazing cupping the tender skin of my face.

I could feel him leaning into me and my heart started to pound in my chest. We were so close I could feel his breath brushing against my lips when I remembered why I was up here in the first place. That was a bucket of water thrown over the fire burning between us.

"Whoa, hold on, you've got a girl downstairs," I replied, holding up my hands and taking a step back from him. "This is _not_ okay."

I watched his face fall with my statement and he immediately started trying to explain himself. "I swear it's not like that!"

"So, you're saying you haven't shagged her?" I asked, hands on my hips with my shirt and bra still clutched in my hands.

He didn't respond immediately and that was all the answer I needed. "This was stupid, I'm literally just another girl to you. Godric, I'm so stupid."

I turned on my heel after that and made my way back downstairs. Thankfully, the party was still going so I could sneak up to my bed without being stopped. I tossed my dirty clothes into the basket for the house elves before grabbing my things and going to shower. I wanted to forget about this stupid night immediately.

As if I needed another reason to mistrust people.

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 **Thanks for reading the chapter! Tell me what you like and what you dislike in the box below!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I actually got a review! I'm so hype. Thanks so much to _LeggoMyMeggo92_! **

***TRIGGER WARNING* there is mentions of sexual assault and vomiting, not extremely descriptive but still present**

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I was asleep by the time the girls came back upstairs so Delaney had to wait until the next morning to ask me how things went with Sirius. I sat up in bed and rubbed my face, the night rushing back and making me feel dumb all over again.

"He doesn't fancy me," I told her. "He just wants to shag me and we all fell for his little game."

That drew Lily, Mary, and Alice's attention and had them crowding around the two of us. Once we'd all fit on my bed together, I launched into the story of last night. We had classes today, but they were apparently okay with being late to breakfast if it meant they got the dish on last night.

"Hold on, a girl actually pushed you out of the way and made you spill your beer?" Mary asked, fire lighting behind her eyes. "Who was she? I'll hex her hair off."

"She didn't make me spill it, it just happened because I lost my balance when she shoved me," I tried to explain. "I have no idea who she was, I don't think I've ever seen her before."

"Then he took you upstairs to his room and gave you his shirt to wear?" Alice asked, trying to keep Mary from losing her temper.

"Yeah, and then he looked at me like he wanted to make a move," I recounted to them. "Then he held my face and I'm pretty sure we were about to kiss, but I remembered the girl downstairs and left."

"That prick!" Lily hissed, her face flushing as she glared. "I'll hex _his_ hair off!"

I just shrugged and crossed my legs under the covers. "It's okay, it's not like anything happened between us. I'm just kind of embarrassed I actually thought a guy like Sirius would ever want to be with a girl like me."

"What does that mean?" Alice asked.

I ran my fingers through my hair nervously, chewing on my lip. "Uhm, he's one of the hottest blokes at Hogwarts. I'm just me, you know?"

"Yeah, you're way out of his league," Mary replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Anyone with eyes can see that!"

Even if that wasn't true, Mary's compliments made me feel a bit better. We separated a few minutes later and got dressed, heading downstairs to get a quick bite to eat and our timetables. The five of us sat together, me trying my best to not acknowledge the four boys a few yards down the table from us.

"What an asshole! He's gazing over at you like he's the one who got hurt last night," Mary hissed, the fire from earlier back in her eyes. "I swear to Merlin, I want to hex him so badly."

I just shrugged it off and smiled at McGonagall when she said my name. I looked at my timetable and felt my smile fall away quickly, this year was going to be a lot. I had Potions, Transfigurations, Herbology, Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts along with Muggle Studies and Care of Magical Creatures. I had to buckle down and get good marks for N. E. W. T. s next year.

"It looks like we all have Double Transfigurations this morning," Lily said, looking at her own schedule. "Want to head out?"

We were in a different classroom than last year, but we found it with a couple minutes before class started. I sat with Delaney, the other girls sitting in desks around us. I heard the group of them laughing before I saw them, but it was unmistakable. James and Sirius sat at the table beside mine and Delaney's while Remus and Peter sat in the one behind theirs.

"Wonderful, my life couldn't possibly get any better," I sighed, turning my back to their table and allowing my hair to fall between us like a curtain.

"He looks completely unbothered now," Alice hissed, turning around and placing her elbows on the table in front of me. "That absolute dickhead!"

"Miss Fortescue, language!" Professor McGonagall barked.

"Sorry, professor!" she said, turning around to face the front of the room with flushing cheeks.

McGonagall started talking about what to expect within this class, but my mind was a million miles away. I was so dumb to let him in, even if it was just a little bit. I had no doubt I would've disclosed all my damage to him if we'd stayed in his room a little longer. I also would've let him kiss me. He knew exactly what to do to get past my walls, he was a master manipulator. How easily I would've disclosed my information to him was scary.

I tried my best to pay attention to what was being written on the board as Professor McGonagall talked, but what Alice said made it difficult. Despite everything in me saying not to, I risked a peek over at Sirius. He was making eyes at a girl across the room in Ravenclaw robes, and I felt my stomach flip sadly.

"I was just another girl," I whispered to Delaney. "Look at him, he's not even a little upset over what happened last night."

"I'm sorry I made you think he had feelings for you," she replied just as quietly. "I just really thought he did."

"Ladies, is there something you'd like to share with the class?" McGonagall asked, making eyes flash over to the two of us.

"Yes, professor, can you explain Crinus Muto again? I didn't quite understand its purpose," Delaney replied quickly.

I could tell by the look on her face she didn't believe a word coming out of her mouth. "Next time ask me instead of Miss Whitewall, she looks just as lost."

"Sorry, professor," I replied quietly, my cheeks heating up as I ducked my head.

"Good save," James said from beside us.

I didn't even have to say a word, Lily flipped him the bird for both of us. The tight fist around my lungs loosened a bit, a small smile tugging at my lips. My friends didn't think I was stupid, they thought James was stupid and Sirius was stupid.

* * *

After lunch we had Double Potions, making me moan the entire way down the hallway. I detested Potions, even if it was necessary to become a Healer. I did relatively alright, scoring high enough on my O.W.L. exams to get into the class. I just hoped I could pull a good enough score to get into N.E.W.T. level classes and get an equally good grade in there.

Lily and I were the only ones who headed to the dungeons. Lanie was going to Divinations and the others had a free period. James, Sirius, and Remus were already sitting in the classroom and I felt my heart sink impossibly further. Sirius wasn't flirting with anyone this time, but he also didn't look too upset that I'd left him last night either. I couldn't believe I thought he might fancy me. How freakin' pathetic could a girl get?

"Evans! Poppy!" James greeted, making me and Lily roll our eyes in sync with each other before going to the complete other side of the room from them. "Don't be that way, ladies!"

"Fuck off, Potter," Lily tossed over her shoulder before turning her attention back to me. "It seems like you're included in the incessant hovering from the Marauders."

"No, mine's the exact opposite actually," I sighed, brushing my hair out of my face. "Sirius won't even look at me, it's like last night never happened."

Lily scoffed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Boys are so stupid! I wish I could just take them all and give them a good shake."

"And tell them we're not just toys they can play around with until they're bored," I added, a sad smile tugging at my lips. "Things they can just control, things that won't fight back."

I revealed more than I meant to her before I could stop myself. I turned around and faced the front of the room before I incriminated myself any more than I already have. If Slughorn hadn't come into the classroom, she probably would've asked what I meant. Lily Evans wasn't one to let things go.

"Hello, class! Are you ready to start learning about the most difficult potions you'll ever brew?" he announced, his doughy little face pulled up into a docile smile. "Ah, you all have partners! Wonderful!"

He launched into a lecture about the importance of cutting up ingredients the correct way and I took notes. It wasn't like I needed them, he gave the same introduction speech very year, I just wanted something to distract me. Hopefully, it would make the Double Potions pass faster.

Lily slid a piece of parchment across the desk to me when Slughorn had his back to the class. I knew she wouldn't let it go. Damn stubborn witch.

 _So, are you going to tell me what that was all about?_

 **Is 'no' an option?**

 _Do you really need me to answer that?_

I sighed audibly and saw a couple people glance over at me, nodding their agreement. It seemed like Lily and I weren't the only students not paying attention to the 'importance of boiling water' judging by the words on the blackboard. The only person I saw actually taking notes was a mousy Hufflepuff boy.

 **I'm damaged, pretty badly.**

 _Oh, you don't have to elaborate on that on paper. We'll talk later… if you want? I'm not trying to pry._

 **We can talk in the common room after dinner, I guess.**

The thought of telling Lily about my past made my stomach knot up. I felt like I was going to vomit, I really didn't want to go through the night again. I didn't want to talk about my family life. The less people who knew, the less people would look at me with pity.

The nauseous feeling in my stomach increased and I knew I had to get to a bathroom. I pushed up from the table and ran out of the classroom, trying to ignore all the people watching my hasty exit. I tried even harder to not think about Sirius seeing me run out of the classroom with tears in my eyes and vomit trying to make an appearance.

I'd barely made it into the restrooms when I lost my lunch completely. I didn't want to talk about where my scar came from or how I still felt his hands on my skin sometimes. About how I wake up sometimes, screaming because I didn't get him off me in time in my dream. Then there were my parents, and why would someone want to be in my life if my parents didn't even want me.

That was my underlying issue, the one I barely let myself say in the quiet of my dorm at night. It was the reason I was so down on myself all the time. How could I love myself when the two people who were supposed to love me no matter what didn't want me? I was just an awkward girl with a huge scar on her face that no one wanted. A frigid, wet blanket who ruined everyone's life that got close to her. I was a walking hurricane.

"Poppy?"

Lily chased after me -why wasn't I surprised? I didn't close the stall door in my hurry to get to a toilet so she found me easily. She grabbed a towel off the edge of the sink and wet it before coming over to me. I took it from her and wiped my mouth, casting a cleaning charm on myself and letting her pull my hair back into a quick French braid to get it out of my face.

"Did I cause that?" she asked timidly once she'd tied off my hair. "By pressuring you to talk to me?"

"It's just a really hard thing to talk about," I told her honestly. "Only Delaney knows, and I just told her once and never talked about it again."

"Sometimes it's easier to talk about hard things to people who aren't really close to you," she soothed, taking my hands in hers. "But you don't have to tell me anything, it's okay. I can just sit with you until you feel better."

"My parents are pureblood supremacist, but I'm sure the entire school knows that. I'm not and it was a huge problem for them," I started even if the words felt rotten in my mouth. "When I was fourteen, I was trying to find where I fit and did what they wanted me to do. I went to a ball with Alexander Nott, who was two years older than me, because my parents wanted me to marry him when I turned seventeen.

"I don't know how much you know about pureblood marriages, but the husbands are very controlling of their wives. Nott tried to control me, but I wasn't having it," I continued. "One second I was trying to keep his hands off my bum when we were dancing and the next we're alone in a hallway. He was trying to get me to kiss him, but I really didn't want to. The next thing I know, he was pulling down my dress and touching me."

Lily gasped audibly and I felt my stomach flip again, but I knew nothing was going to come out of it. The only vomit that was coming out of me was word vomit.

"I couldn't get to my wand so I just acted on instinct, bringing my knee up between his legs. I was pulling my dress up when I heard the sound of glass breaking," I explained, staring at a chip on the wall behind her head as my voice got shaky. "He'd broken his wine glass. He put it under my chin and told me if 'I wanted to act ugly, he'd make me ugly' and he cut me.

"When I finally pulled myself together, I Flooed home. My mum told me I deserved it for being disobedient and wouldn't take me to a Healer to get fixed," I finished, tears falling down my face again. "This last summer, my mum threw a decanter of whisky at me because I wouldn't stop being friends with Delaney. I Flooed to the Kalums with a broken orbital bone and a cracked jaw. That was the last night I ever went back to my parents' house."

I don't know how I expected Lily to react, but it wasn't by pulling me into a hug so tight it felt like my bones were going to break. Tears of her own were wetting my neck and I realized the hug was for her too. Girls knew what it was like to be touched by guys when they didn't want it, even if it wasn't as severe as what I experienced. We banded together and felt each other's pain, a very important trait I was proud of my gender for. She was probably also sad my mum acted so cruelly, but she couldn't relate to that.

We sat together in the stall quietly, her presence calming my frazzled nerves. When the bell rang, I knew we'd missed most of Potions. Slughorn was probably going to be really upset, he loved Lily.

"Slughorn is going to be so pissed we missed lecture," I sighed, standing up and offering her my hand. "I'm sorry I made you leave."

"You didn't make me leave, Poppy," Lily reassured me. "I'm your friend, I wanted to come make sure you were okay."

I washed my face in the mirror, but there was no rescuing my bloodshot eyes. I just sighed and headed for the door with Lily just behind me. When we walked out into the hallway, I saw Sirius sitting against the wall with mine and Lily's bags beside him.

"Hey, I brought your stuff," he told us, standing when he saw us come out of the loo. Then he looked at me and asked, "Poppy, are you okay?"

I tried to ignore the way his voice changed, how it got softer and tinged with worry. I tried to ignore the way his eyes became liquid mercury and his lips tilted down in a frown. He was too damn attractive for his own good and I cursed Delaney for making me realize it.

"Fine," I replied curtly, taking my bag and placing it on my shoulder.

He grabbed my wrist when I tried to walk away and I felt my lungs freeze. I snatched it out of his grip so fast I nearly knocked him over as my breathing became labored. I was usually okay with people touching me but not after reopening the wound to Lily.

Like she'd heard my thoughts, she was in front of me in a second. Her hands were on my shoulders, forcing me to look at her. A panic attack was the last thing I wanted right now. I hadn't had one for a few months; I went to St. Mungo's over the summer and got an anti-anxiety potion that worked wonders.

"Hey, it's okay. It's just me and you," she told me in a soothing voice. "No one's going to hurt you, Nott isn't around."

I knew that wasn't necessarily true, he was a Slytherin and we were in the dungeons, but I appreciated her reassurance. She kept talking and I focused on her voice instead of what she was saying. It was even and calm, making my heartbeat slow down as my breathing evened out.

"Poppy?" Sirius asked timidly.

"I think you've done enough!" Lily barked.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and held me close, leading me far away from him. She didn't stop until we were standing outside a door I'd never seen before. Lily said a word and it swung open, revealing a big room.

"This is the prefects' bath," she explained, walking in with her arm still around my shoulders. "I come in here to think sometimes, it's really nice."

After I put my book bag on the ground, I turned to look at her fully for the first time since Potions. I wrapped her in a fierce hug and said, "Thank you so much for listening to me and not pitying me."

"Never," she swore before leaving me alone with my thought and lavender scented soap.

* * *

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	4. Chapter 4

"Good lord, please talk to the poor boy!" Delaney exclaimed during dinner a few weeks later. "He's barely talking to his friends, there hasn't been a prank in weeks, and his hair isn't even shiny anymore! It's a tragedy!"

"He hasn't said a word to me or apologized about that night," I replied with a shrug. "I'm not talking to him until he either tells me he messed up or tells me he actually has feelings for me."

"Fine, I'll tell Potter that's what he has to do," Lily announced, pushing up from the table and walking over to the Marauders.

I flushed and tried to stop her, but she was too determined. She started talking to James, gesturing to Sirius and then down the table at me. I'd just looked away when I'm sure they looked at me, trying to hide my face.

"She's insufferable!" I cried to Delaney. "I didn't want her to tell him, I wanted him to figure it out on his own!"

"Maybe, but she just wants you to be happy. I've never seen her willingly talk to Potter," Mary exclaimed from across the table.

Mary and Alice didn't understand why I was suddenly so close to Lily, but I explained it to Delaney. She apologized profusely she wasn't there when I needed her and thanked Lily for being where she couldn't. The two of them ended up becoming closer because of it too, the three of us together most often nowadays.

When I got back from the prefects' bath a few weeks ago, I spilled everything to Delaney. She was also confused by Sirius' reaction. Finding him waiting outside the loo was such a surprise I didn't even register it until I was soaking in the warm water. What was he playing at?

"He's going to talk to you after dinner," Lily announced, sitting back in her spot between Alice and Mary. "You can thank me later for helping you."

I groaned before going back to my plate. I pushed the peas and carrots around, my appetite suddenly gone. I was too nervous to eat, I really didn't want to feel stupid again.

Lily flashed her eyes up to me and I saw questions behind them. "I'm okay, Lils. I'm just nervous."

Delaney squeezed my hand under the table reassuringly. "Do you want me to come with you?"

I shook my head, knowing that wouldn't work. If Sirius and I were going to work this out, we needed to talk alone. Dinner ended way too fast and my nerves started getting worse. I walked out with the girls and saw Sirius waiting for me just outside the doors of the Great Hall.

"Wish me luck," I laughed, squeezing Lily's shoulder before heading over to him. "Hi."

He ran a nervous hand through his hair, that I noticed was sort of lank and not shiny, before smiling at me. "I was thinking we could walk around the grounds and talk? That way we don't get interrupted."

I just nodded and followed him out the front doors, heading to the side with the Black Lake. It was dark already and the stars were shining bright. There hadn't been a clear night like this in a long time, it was nice.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out. Then he started to explain himself, "Isadora and I aren't together. I wanted to be with you the night of the party, it was why James thought it pertinent to personally invite you."

I felt something in my chest loosen as I crossed my arms. "Oh, I figured you were looking for a shag or something. Then when I turned you down, you went to find her."

He moved in front of me and held my shoulders, stopping me and forcing me to look at him. "Merlin, no, that's not what I want at all! Well, maybe eventually, but that wasn't my goal that night. I wanted to talk to you and things got all messed up."

"Oh," I said lamely because I had no idea what else to say.

He was still standing in front of me, looking me fully in the eye. I felt my cheeks heating up and I bit my bottom lip nervously. We were little ways away from the lake in the shadow of the castle with the stars giving the grounds an ethereal glow. It felt intimate and romantic, making my heart pound unsurely.

"I moved in with James this summer, too," he told me suddenly, removing his hands from my shoulders to shove them into his pockets. "My parents are terrible."

I swallowed thickly, nervously fidgeting with the ends of my robe sleeves. "I can relate."

He smiled instead of smirking and I felt my stomach flip. "I figured when a Whitewall was put in Gryffindor."

"I could've said the same thing about a Black being placed there," I retorted, pushing my hair over my shoulder. "Good to know I'm not the only disgraceful pureblood at Hogwarts."

That made him laugh, making a smile of my own blossom on my lips. "For what it's worth, I much prefer this Sirius to the other one who plays with girls and is cruel."

"But my hair's usually better than this," he replied, flipping a couple lank strands toward me. "It's shinier and all around more perfect."

I snorted and started walking the rest of the way to the Lake. I sat down at the edge and extended my legs out straight in front of me. Then I laid back and looked up at the sky, watching the stars twinkle and sparkle above.

Sirius laid down beside me and pointed up to the brightest spot in the sky. "See that one? The really bright one to the left? That's my namesake because I shine brightest amongst my peers, too."

"Actually, Sirius is on the other side of the sky," I told him, gesturing to a separate star. Then I returned my gaze to the original spot and told him, "That's Mercury."

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and saw him outright blushing at his own ignorance. "Oh, that could be why I did so badly in Astronomy."

That made me start laughing until tears gathered in my eyes. "It sounded like you knew what you were talking about, fake it 'til you make it."

"Ah, it seems you've discovered my life motto," he told me, looking at me with his eyebrows raised.

"Shut up, you've got some of the highest marks in our year! I work my ass off and barely get what you get without trying!" I cried, pushing his shoulder.

He just laughed and flashed me a crooked smile that made my heart beat rapidly against my ribs. I'd never seen that smile before; it made my palms sweat and butterflies explode in my stomach. No, they were too big to be butterflies -he made dragons explode in my stomach and start breathing fire.

"I feel like I don't know anything about you and I want to," he told me a little while later.

I'd turned to lie flat on my back again, but I could feel his eyes still on me. "I'm not very interesting."

That was a lie, I just didn't want to talk about the 'interesting' parts of me. I'm painfully self-conscious, the last guy who kissed me left a huge scar on the side of my face, and my mother threw a bottle of whisky at me and literally broke my face. Then there was the point of my parents not wanting me; all those things would make him realize I'm a waste of his time.

"I don't think that's true, but there's no pressure," he lamented, looking back up at the stars instead of at me. "I have a little brother who still lives with my parents and I feel guilty I left him there sometimes."

A heavy silence enveloped us as I struggled to find something to say. When I came up blank, I just asked, "Why'd you tell me that?"

"Something about you makes me want to tell you all my secrets," he replied in an uncertain voice. "I can stop if I'm making you uncomfortable."

I rolled over onto my side and looked at him. "No! You can tell me anything and I'll listen."

I tucked my arm under my head and curled my body to get comfortable while I looked at Sirius. He turned to look at me, his face a bit reluctant. I knew I needed to tell him something equally as intimate to reassure him.

"For my entire life, my mother never told me she loved me and I only saw my father when he needed me to make him look good for the public," I told him timidly. "The only time they were ever proud of me was the worst night of my life."

That wasn't fair, but I couldn't tell him about Alexander Nott. For some wild reason, I didn't want him to know about the bad parts of me. I was afraid he'd lose interest in me if he knew about all my problems. There was also all the pain that came along with remembering…

I think he saw something behind my eyes because he didn't ask questions. "Regulus is the perfect, pureblood son. My mother must've been so relieved when she realized he was what she wanted because I know I wasn't."

I assumed Regulus was his brother and that made my heart ache for him. No matter how bad my life was, it seemed like his was just as bad in different ways. I was chewing my bottom lip nervously, twisting the fingers of my free hand in the grass by my head.

"I like talking to you," I told him. "I just don't like you ignoring me when things are hard because a lot of things in my life are hard."

"I'm sorry, that wasn't fair," he replied, reaching out to brush my hair out of my face and making me flinch a little. "Do you not want me to touch you? I'm sorry."

I let out a frustrated breath and rolled back over to back. "I'm not good with people I don't know being close to me."

I knew he probably thought I was just talking shit because I'd let him touch me the night of the party. Well, I'd taken a risk and let someone in only to get thrown to the wolves. I really didn't want to make that mistake again.

"We'll have to fix that, won't we?" he replied in a determined voice. "I want to be your friend, Poppy."

"I figure you deserve to know I'm not good at letting people be my friend either," I forced out as my throat felt like it was closing. "I push people away and fold in on myself."

He sat up and pulled his knees up, resting his arms on them. "I get that, there's a reason I only have three friends. Do you mind if I keep trying or is it too much?"

That made me laugh and toss an arm over my face as hysterical tears burned my eyes. "Merlin, you're persistent."

It was his turn to laugh that time. "You have no idea, love."

"Don't call me that," I said, sobering up and sitting up at once.

The entire night of the gala, Alexander kept calling me 'love' like I was his girlfriend or something. My mother called me that when she was threatening me without other people knowing. The word had a lot of baggage attached, almost as much as the action itself carried.

"Poppy, I'm sorry. I didn't know," Sirius told me desperately. "I'll never say it again, I promise."

I laughed humorlessly and looked over at him, my face wild I'm sure. "See? I told you it's too hard to be my friend. I'm a total basket case."

"You and I have more in common than you know, Poppy," he told me.

He stood up after that and offered me his hand, an innocent gesture I could refuse if I wanted. Instead, I took it in mine and allowed him to pull me to my feet. The crooked smile was back as he waited for me to let go, but I didn't.

I was once again taken by how rough his hands were. I laced my fingers through his and looked down at our hands. Then I took a breath and dropped it, heading back up to the castle with him following right behind me.

…

"You're just going to come back upstairs with a smile like that and not tell us what happened?" Delaney exclaimed.

"He just apologized and things are good now," I shrugged, heading to the bathroom to take off my makeup. "We're friends."

When they realized I wasn't going to disclose any more information, she let the topic drop. At least while we were around other people. She knew there were a lot of things I didn't talk about with people around and she figured this was one of those things. To a certain extent, it was I suppose, but some of the things he shared with me were secrets between him and I.

I showered quickly, laughing when I pulled pieces of grass from my hair. I'd never actually been alone with a boy and not been scared before. Sirius was intense and he made me nervous, but I didn't think he'd hurt me… intentionally.

When I got back to the dorm, the girls were all in bed doing various nightly rituals. Mary was applying a face mask, Alice was reading a parchment that Frank had sent via the owl sitting on the window's edge, and Lily was reading her Potions' textbook. Delaney, however, was waiting for me to come out of the bathroom.

I got dressed and crawled into my bed, watching Delaney get under the covers with me. She pulled my curtains tight and put a silencing charm around the bed. I was about to start talking when Lily shoved her way inside and sat at the end of the bed.

"Mary and Alice tucked in for the night so I came over," she told us like it was obvious. "I want to know about tonight, too."

I sighed and sat up, Delaney following my lead, before telling them about what happened. "We went out and laid by the Black Lake, watching the stars. Then we started talking about our childhoods and about how I'm really bad at letting people get close to me. We seriously connected to each other."

"I'm so happy for you!" Delaney cried, hugging me happily.

"I don't want to be the wet blanket, but don't forget how he acted when you turned him down," Lily told me. "I'm happy for you too, I just don't want you to get hurt again."

She was right and deep down I knew that, but I wanted to believe in him. "We talked about that actually and he apologized for it. I think he's like me when it comes to letting people in."

I could tell she was still a little reluctant but wanted to let me be happy. "I'll hex him if he hurts you again. That's a detention I'll serve happily."

That made me laugh as I moved forward to hug her. "Thank you for being here and being so fiercely loyal. I really appreciate it."

Once she and Delaney went back to their beds, I pulled the curtains tight around mine and felt a huge smile fall into place on my lips. If this worked out, I could see myself falling in love with Sirius Black. While I feared that, I was also excited to find someone who related to me on a level Delaney never could with her functional, loving family.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi! I wanted a happy Poppy/Sirius chapter!**

* * *

Now that Sirius and I were kind of friends, we sat together at lunch and he insisted on walking me to class. I didn't miss all the glares from the female, and a fraction of the male, population of Hogwarts. Sirius didn't hang out with girls, he shagged and left before the sheets got cold. I was the exception to that apparently.

We were all sitting in the common room, me with my feet tucked under me and a book on my lap. The Marauders were working on a prank without disclosing any details to prying ears (me) and I was trying my best to not get overwhelmed by all the attention I received by association of hanging out with them. Gaggles of girls twittered with laughter and stared at the four of them, but they seemed unhampered by it. The only one who ever seemed to notice was Sirius, and he wasn't even paying attention to any of them now. But the girls were relentless.

"Are you coming to the game tomorrow?" Remus asked, turning to look at me from his place in the floor while James and Sirius wrote something on a parchment they kept covered.

I saw Sirius perk up as he waited for my answer, but he was trying to keep it subtle. I bit my bottom lip to hide my pleased smile. Even if we were just friends, I knew he was taking it slow with me because of what happened at the party those months ago. At least I thought that, but then he'd throw a curve ball and make me think he _wanted_ to be just friends. It was a very confusing relationship.

"I think Delaney and I will make an appearance," I replied, marking my place in my book and closing it. "I think we can maybe even corral Lily into attendance."

Just like I'd hoped, I watched James completely freak out. He'd been writing something and I watched the quill _snap_ in his hands. He really had it bad for her, he just had no idea how to go about it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the Marauders were rubbish when it came to females and their feelings.

"You're all bollocks when it comes to females, you know?" I asked, making them all look at me.

"I'll have you know, I had no problem with birds," Sirius replied haughtily.

"I'm living proof that isn't accurate," I shot back without hesitation, making him hold his hands up surrender and the others snort.

Remus' smile was sheepish and Peter just looked at me and blinked a few times. James didn't disagree, he just rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Sirius' cheeks were faintly red and I realized I may have been the first girl to ever bite back. How blokes as attractive and sought after as them were clueless about female feelings was astounding.

"You're right," James finally said. "I've tried to get her to fall in love with me since first year, and I started really trying second year."

"That's where you're wrong," I told him, turning myself so I could face all four of them instead of the fire. "You're not doing well because you're an obnoxious prat."

"I missed when you didn't talk," he murmured. Then louder he asked, "What, pray tell, am I supposed to do to get her attention?"

I shrugged and said, "Stop being an obnoxious toerag and actually try to be her friend. You're not too bad when you're not trying to impress people."

"She won't let me talk to her, much less befriend her!" he groaned, flopping back against the couch in frustration.

"She might if I talk to her," I suggested timidly, prepping myself for his freak out. "She and I are friends after all."

Like I figured, he shot up and raced over to my side of the couch. I stiffened and tried to not have a panic attack as his large body laid on mine. Too much pressure, too much contact, I was about to lose it.

Sirius read my mind in the creepy way he'd started developing, and grabbed James' shoulder. "Mate, get off her!"

James pulled back to talk more I assumed, but his words died when he saw my face. I'm sure I looked like a timid animal with large eyes and a pale face. James on top of me like that didn't make me think of Nott, it made me think of all the times I'd been touched with no love behind the motion. Not that I thought James would ever hurt me, but old feelings died hard.

"Poppy, I'm sorry!" he exclaimed, sitting on the floor across from me beside Remus. "I didn't know, I just acted. I didn't mean to scare you; I forgot what Padfoot told me."

My eyebrows raised at that and I flashed my eyes over to him, still trying to regulate my breathing. "What did you tell him exactly?"

"Nothing! I just said he needed to keep a little distance between you," he said in a rush. "I know you don't like touching until you're comfortable with someone."

I let out a shaky breath and ran a hand through my hair to get it out of my face. "I'm sorry I'm such a stick in the mud. Chalk it up to pureblood eccentrics?"

He nodded slowly, but I knew he wasn't going to let it go. There was something that connected the Marauders, an air of protection and safety. For whatever reason, that protection and safety had been extended to me and I didn't know quite how to deal with it.

* * *

It was October and the grounds were starting to get chilly, making me pull my jacket a little tighter around me as I made my way to the Quidditch Pitch with Lily, Delaney, Mary, and Alice in tow. I'd kept to my word and asked Lily to give James a chance, that things were going to be different this time. I knew she only agreed to keep me from breaking, she thought I was a lot more fragile that I was and I didn't tell her she was wrong because sometimes it worked out in my favor. Right now, for instance.

"You're really going to give him a chance? Like a proper chance of talking and possibly going out?" Mary asked in shock.

Alice started bouncing and I followed her eyes to find Frank Longbottom waiting for her. She scurried over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck with him lifting her and spinning her around. They were too cute, it was almost sickening - _almost_.

"They're kind of cute, aren't they?" Delaney asked, linking her arm with mine as we followed the loved-up couple into the stands. "I wouldn't mind having someone who adored me like that."

I just laughed and sat between her and Lily on the hard, wooden bench. She was wearing her Gryffindor scarf and Delaney had a lion painted on her cheek by a fifth year. She'd somehow convinced me to get one to match and I sort of hated it but making her happy was worth it. I know I put her through a lot of stress, anything I could do to alleviate that I'd do gladly.

"Look, Pops, there's your boyfriend!" Mary squealed from the other side of Lily. "He's looking for you!"

I found Sirius flying a little way from the stands and saw him scanning the crowds. My face heated up, friends didn't look for each other that hard. When his eyes finally landed on me, he flashed me that lopsided grin from the night we made up and I felt my stomach tighten. I waved at him meekly and saw people look over at me.

"And you say he's not interested in you," Delaney teased, elbowing me in the ribs playfully. "I've never seen him look for anyone!"

"Or smile like that," Mary added, sticking her tongue out at me when I shook my head.

"Hush," I told them weakly, my face still hot as I felt people looking at me. "I like whatever's going on between us, but I hate all the attention that comes with being around him."

Delaney gave my arm a reassuring pat before the game started and commanded all her attention. I watched the game for the first time instead of reading the book I'd shrank and stashed in my pocket. James and Sirius moved like they were connected, James would get the big ball (Quaffle, Delaney shouted at me) and pass it to Sirius before ducking under the Slytherin rushing at them before catching it and throwing it through the hoop. It was really interesting to watch the grace, I'd never associated that with the sport before.

"Mind if we sit with you?" Remus asked from the other side of Delaney.

"Go for it!" she announced before looking back at the game. "Oi, foul!"

I'd missed something interesting, but it was over when I looked back out at the field. Sirius' face lost its playfulness and was set in a serious line now. When I focused in more, I saw a bleeding cut on his forehead and watched him spit a mouthful of blood to the ground below.

"What happened?" I asked Lily, gripping her arm.

"Rosier elbowed him in the face and stole the Quaffle!" she told me without looking away. "All that prick did was piss of James. Gryffindor's going to kick their ass now!"

I'd never heard her call him James before, it was always Potter with a scowl. Maybe things were already changing, that or she loved a man in uniform. The way Sirius' top fit and made his shoulders look infinitely broader and his arms look thicker, I couldn't say I disagreed.

She was right about Gryffindor being out for blood. It was a nasty match, the ref calling out fouls left and right but making no difference. Eventually, she sat down and watched the game, only getting up and flagging them down when the move was totally unacceptable. I was so busy watching James and Sirius cut through the air together, I missed the game ending.

"Greenwich caught the snitch! That's the match! 210-90 to Gryffindor!"

Lily and Delaney were jumping along with Mary and Alice while Frank watched her with a smitten smile on his face. Remus and I just looked at each other with matching smiles while Peter did some sort of victory screech that had the two of us doubled over with laughter. I finally understood the obsession with Quidditch for the first time in my Hogwarts' career.

…

I was sitting in the common room with everyone when James and Sirius came in, the rest of the team in tow. Everyone erupted into applause and started cheering, singing some song about lions beating snakes. I just rolled my eyes and stayed put apart from the crowd because the mere thought made my throat close, I didn't want to find out what it was like to be actually in it.

"The lion's a cute touch," Sirius told me from behind the couch. Then he hopped over it to sit beside me in front of the fire. "Are you coming to the party?"

"I didn't know there was a party," I answered, tucking one of my legs under me as I turned to look at him. When I saw the cut on his forehead, I sobered up and reached out to touch him. "Are you okay?"

I brushed my thumb over the skin beside it and saw his lips flick up at the edges. The room was roaring with noise, but it felt like only Sirius and I were in this moment. He moved his own hand slowly, giving me time to move as he reached up to hold mine. We sat together on the couch, his stormy gray eyes holding mine as something shifted between us I didn't quite understand.

"I've never been better," he told me in a quiet voice.

His lopsided grin was shining and I felt the dragons make a reappearance. I couldn't have told you how long we sat like that until James slammed into the back of the couch. How he was already this tipsy was astounding to me.

"Poppy, you're a miracle worker!" he shouted, reaching out to mess up my hair and freezing a couple inches from my head. "Sorry, I forgot again."

Sirius let go of my hand and I lowered it to my lap, trying to keep my face from burning. "What did I do?"

"Lily agreed to go on a date with me!" he shouted, making a couple people cheer in the room. Then he looked at Sirius and requested, "Take a shot with me! Be a lad!"

"Nah, mate, I'm good," Sirius replied, pushing the bottle back to him.

"You can drink, it's okay," I told him, pulling the sleeves of my jacket down over my hands awkwardly. When he eyed me reluctantly, I repeated, "It's okay."

He took the bottle, his eyes not leaving mine as he cracked the lid off. I gave him a final nod and he looked over at James, getting on his knees on the couch so they were closer. They clinked their bottles together before turning them up and swallowing. The entire common room, now a lot fuller, erupted in cheers and drank from their own cups.

Sirius recapped the bottle and sat it on the couch, going back to sitting in front of me. "Don't worry, I have a high tolerance. That won't do anything except make my throat burn."

"I already told you, you can drink if you want," I told him again, an air of annoyance in my voice. "Stop making me repeat myself."

He shrugged me off and turned to face me, too. "I want to spend this party with you, Poppy. Is that so crazy?"

"Honestly?" I asked, making him raise his brows. "Yes, very."

That made him laugh, tossing his head back as it echoed around him. "You're funny, freckles. Do you want to come dance with me?"

"Nope, she's dancing with me!" Delaney announced, swooping in and taking my hand to drag me over to the dance floor. "What was that?"

"You tell me and we'll both know," I replied with a grin.

Lily came over to the two of us a few minutes later and handed me a Butterbeer. I thanked her before taking a drink from the bottle. Mary, Delaney, and I were dancing together dorkily while Alice disappeared with Frank and Lily talked with James.

"Would you look at that?" Mary exclaimed, taking another sip of her Firewhisky. "They're seriously talking to each other without hexes."

"From what I heard, they're going to Hogsmeade together this weekend," Delaney added, drinking her own Firewhisky.

"That was my doing," I volunteered, making both look over at me incredulously. "I think James is a good guy and told Lily to give it a chance. I also told James to stop being obnoxious and just be himself. We'll see where that goes."

We went back to dancing and I actually started having fun. I shook my hair out and moved to the music with the girls, giggling about something Delaney said. I was nowhere near drunk, but I couldn't say the same for them.

"Freckles, I found you!" Sirius shouted, making me turn away from my friends to face him.

"It seems you also found the bottom of that bottle," I replied, gesturing to the empty bottle of Firewhisky dangling from his fingers. "Did you drink all that yourself?"

"I don't remember," he replied, sitting the bottle on the table behind him. "Do you want to dance with me?"

"Yes, very much!" Delaney answered for me, giggling and pulling Mary away from the two of us.

I allowed him to take my hand and spin me before placing a hand on my hip. I sat mine on his shoulder and let him move me goofily along the floor -far too graceful to be intoxicated. The dance didn't match the song, but I was laughing too much to notice. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so carefree.

By the time we collapsed on a couch, my cheeks were aching from laughter. He was sitting with my legs over his lap, his hands resting on my knees. Even while he was drunk, he didn't insist on touching me or pushing my boundaries.

I looked up from the hole in my jeans to see him already looking at me. "You are so beautiful, freckles."

The nickname was new, but I couldn't say I didn't like it. It made the dragons come back and I figured they were staying for the long haul.

"And you're drunk," I retorted nervously, picking at the fraying hole in my jeans this time.

"And tomorrow I'll be sober and you're still going to be the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen," he replied, his eyes holding mine and making it impossible to look away.

While holding his intense gaze, I felt my hand come up and rub over my scar nervously. He raised his hand slowly until it took over my finger's path. He trailed from where it ended at my eye to where it began below my chin. It felt like my skin was all nerve endings with nerve endings on top, electricity burning through my entire body at the tiny touch.

If Lily hadn't flopped down on my lap at that exact moment, I was afraid I would combust on the spot. Sirius was reluctant to remove his hand from my face but settled for resting it on my knee again. Even though we'd been doing nothing wrong, I still felt my face heating up like we'd been caught.

"You're so sweet! Thanks for agreeing to go with me and James to Hogsmeade!" she squealed, wrapping her arm around my neck. "It'll be so much better with you there!"

"I wasn't aware I was crashing your date…" I said slowly.

"Yeah, we're doubling with you and Sirius! Remember?" James said, coming over to the two of us and begging me to agree with his eyes.

Dammit, that boy knew exactly how to work those eyes. "Oh, yeah, I just forgot!"

Shit.

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 **Thanks for reading! Leave a review, pleeeeeease!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I kinda see Lili Reinhart as what Poppy looks like if you were curious, just with glasses. But feel free to see her however you want.**

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"I can't believe I'm going on this date," I sighed, pulling half of my hair up into space buns and spelling them into place. "That was not part of the plan."

Delaney hopped off her bed and came to stand behind me with a knowing smirk on her face. "Oh, yeah, because you don't want to go on a date with Sirius. At all. Ever."

I fixed her with a glare, but there was no bite behind it. There were worse ways to spend a Saturday than going on out with a group of friends. I wasn't even sure it was a real date or a way to get Lily out with James. To be fair, it wasn't like either of us had a clue until it was sprung on us.

"I'm not even sure this is a real date, Lanie," I told her, touching up my eyeliner before putting my glasses back on. "I think it's just a way for James to finally go out with Lily."

"With the way Sirius looks at you, this isn't a fake date," she argued. "He might not have got to ask you himself, but I'm almost positive he's happy it happened."

I was finishing up when I saw Lily breeze into the room with a small smile. She came over to the mirror with me and applied mascara, blush, and lip gloss before she announced she was ready to head down. I was jealous of how beautiful she was without trying. I worked for almost an hour to look relatively okay, but it wasn't a dark kind of jealousy. I was happy she was beautiful and happy and excited for her date with James today.

"Are you ready to go downstairs?" she asked, looking over at me and her smile grew. "You look really pretty!"

I felt my face flush at her compliment and looked down at the toe of my booties instead of her intense green eyes. "Thanks, I guess. You look really pretty, too."

"Good luck convincing her of how hot she is! I've been trying for years," Delaney sighed, giving me a pointed look. "Now go find your boys."

We groaned but didn't correct her before we headed downstairs to find the guys. Sirius and James were sitting on the couch, watching the staircase for us to come down. James shot up from his seat quickly and rushed over to Lily, talking rapidly. I snorted and went over to Sirius, crossing my arms over my chest and pulling my cardigan tighter around me.

"So, did James tell you how he roped us into this without either of our permission?" I asked in a quiet voice, watching James embarrass himself further.

"First of all, I'm hurt you agreed to this date with ulterior motives," Sirius replied, covering his heart with his hand dramatically and making me snicker. "Also, I'd do just about anything to make him stop whining about his love for Evans. There are also worse ways to spend a Saturday than with a beautiful lady."

"Shut up!" I cried, covering my burning face with my hands.

"I love it when you blush," he told me quietly, taking my hands in his and pulling them away from my face slowly.

"Good, because it's one of the only things I'm good at," I tried to joke, but the gaze he'd fixed on me made it hard to do anything but look at him. "Merlin, can you stop looking at me like that? It's very hard to concentrate."

"Welcome to my world, freckles," he replied easily.

I was about to ask what that meant when the other two came over to us. James announced it was time to leave and we followed just behind him and Lily. We walked down to the carriages and waited for our turn to get inside, James getting in and pulling Lily behind him before taking my hand and helping me up. I took it gratefully and sat across from the two of them with Sirius beside me.

"So, what's the plan for today?" I asked to make conversation in the awkward carriage.

"I need to get some broom polish," Sirius volunteered, trying to help.

I nodded and waited for the other two to say something, but James was too busy staring at Lily to even acknowledge us. I could tell she was getting a bit uncomfortable, my purpose on this date was to keep her from freaking out on him. A task easier said than done, unfortunately.

* * *

We'd been together for almost half an hour and I already wanted to beat my head against a wall in Honeyduke's. Sirius and I were doing fine together, but I could feel the fight brewing between Lily and James. She kept snapping at him to stop staring at her and he would fire some snappy comment back. At first, I tried to alleviate the tension and make things nice and kosher, but it started to be too hard so I just let things play out.

"I think I'm going to go grab some broom polish," Sirius said, stamping down the fight for another second. "Poppy, do you want to come with me?"

I wanted to scream my affirmative, but I kept my cool -the last thing I wanted was for them to know how much I wanted to leave. "Yeah, do you guys want to meet up at the Three Broomsticks at about three for a Butterbeer?"

"That's fine," Lily said shortly, brushing past James to go to the Pepper Imps display as if the girl needed another reason to steam at the ears.

Sirius and I hurried out of the store and across to the Quidditch store. I didn't know what it was called because I'd never had an interest in it, until now at least. Unlike me, he knew his way around and moved easily through the aisles with me right behind him.

"This is a total disaster," I told him as he searched the shelves for the polish. "I don't know who I feel worse for: James or Lily."

"James, for sure," Sirius replied, standing on his tip toes to reach the last tin at the back of the shelf. "He's just trying to make her like him."

"But he's being so obnoxious about it," I argued, leaning against the wall beside the shelves. "No girl likes it when she's made into an object to stare at."

"I'll keep that in mind, freckles," he smirked, adjusting his shirt and jacket once he was standing flat-footed again. "I like to look at you, but I don't want to freak you out."

"Too late for that," I said under my breath before I turned to look at the wall full of twig trimmers.

"Hold up, what does that mean? Do I freak you out?" he asked making me wince and slowly turn to face him.

I swallowed nervously and started fiddling with the sleeve of my sweater. "Not in a bad way, but you make me incredibly nervous sometimes."

"I'm trying my best to keep distance between us, Poppy. I know you don't want a physical relationship yet and I respect that," he told me quietly. "You know what I want, but I also know what you want and respect that."

"Actually, I have no idea what you want from me," I told him, my voice breaking weirdly as I tried to keep it from shaking. "Hell, I don't even know if that's what I want."

"Poppy," he breathed, his eyes igniting with something only to be interrupted by a fuming Lily Evans. "Of fucking course."

"We are leaving right now!" she told me, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the store. "I'm sorry I ruined your date, but I am irate and want to go back to the castle!"

I wanted to argue with her, but I didn't. I just let her pull me to the carriages and let them take me up to the castle and away from Sirius' almost-confession. Frustration bubbled in my belly, I really wanted to know what he wanted and what he thought I wanted. Maybe it would've help me figure out what I really wanted.

* * *

"Lily, shut up!" Mary shrieked, tossing a throw pillow from the couch at her. "I cannot believe you pulled Poppy away from Sirius because you were upset! That is so terrible!"

"It's not that bad, it's fine," I tried to reassure her, but Alice was quick to disregard that.

"She is trying to fall in love with one of the hottest guys at Hogwarts and you cockblocked her!" she cried, tossing her arms in exasperation.

"Can you cockblock a girl?" Delaney asked delicately. "Like, Poppy doesn't have a cock to block."

"No, but Lily blocked Sirius' cock from getting anywhere near her and I think that counts," Alice argued.

My face flamed at their repetitive use of that word. "Guys! I'm fine, okay? Lily was upset and didn't want to stay, I understand her wanting me to come with her. I'm not angry, not really."

"See? She just doesn't want to hurt your feelings!" Mary deciphered, cutting straight to what I was really thinking.

"Pops, are you really okay?" Lily asked, timidly reaching out to pat my knee. "I didn't even think about what you wanted, I just figured you were also done with the situation."

"How are you? Why were you so upset with him?" I asked, trying to take the attention off me. "Something more happened that him just watching you and talking so much."

She looked uncomfortable for a few seconds before she answered me. "I don't think he's really in love with me, I think he's in love with the me he created in his head. I'm an object on a pedestal for him and I could never be that person. Either that or he really enjoys the chase and isn't going to be interested once it's over."

I put my hand on top of hers and gave it a squeeze. "If you would've just told me that, I would've left with you easy. I understand you feeling that way. Do you want me to talk to him?"

She shrugged and leaned back against the couch, letting out a sigh of frustration. "I was starting to have fun when I realized that and it spoiled everything, I was even okay with him watching me. I'm going to be an old maid because everyone's afraid to date me and risk being on the receiving end of the Marauders' pranks."

Delaney started reassuring her that wasn't true, but I slowly removed myself from the conversation. I wanted to go find Sirius and ask what he was going to say, but I wasn't brave enough. I would never understand why I was Sorted into the house associated with courage.

The portrait hole opened and the four Marauders walked through it, deep in conversation. James didn't even look in our direction as he passed the couch, but Sirius' eyes were nowhere but on me. A tingle started in my stomach and worked its way through my body. His eyes were intense and blazing in a way I'd never seen before.

His eyes darted to the portrait hole and back to me before mouthing '5 minutes.' Then he followed the boys upstairs to his room. It took a lot of control too make my face normal when I looked back to my group of friends. I needed to come up with an excuse to get away quick before I lost my nerve.

"Shoot, I forgot I was supposed to meet with Slughorn to speak about my Potions' grade," I said suddenly, making Alice pause during a rather raunchy recollection of her late-night rendezvous with Frank. "I'll see you guys in the dorm later, yeah?"

They didn't seem too concerned with what I was doing, except for Delaney. She perked up the second I sat up so quickly and nearly fell over my feet. Shit, she knew me too well for me to keep this secret. She'd be on me the second I came back to the room and I knew it. I gave her a brief nod and she returned it, knowing what I meant -I'd tell her everything later.

I pushed the portrait hole open and walked down the stairs the stand on the landing. True to his word, Sirius appeared a little bit later and smiled when he saw me waiting. I waved dumbly and immediately kicked myself, it was so juvenile. I had a flashback of the tingle that went through me when our eyes met in the common room and bit my lip in response.

"I wanted to pick up where we left off in Hogsmeade earlier," he told me when he was standing with me on the landing. "But I can't when you bit your lip like that."

He held out his hand to me, giving me the choice to either take it in mine or walk beside him. Holding his hand was okay, I'd done that before and survived. I even linked our fingers together as he led me through the halls of the castle. The place was a hair creepy late at night, but I trusted Sirius. There was also the fact of him being distracted by me biting my lip, but I was going to ignore that.

We climbed up a familiar set of stairs and ended up in the astronomy tower to my utter joy. "This is my favorite place in the castle!"

"Good," he smiled, conjuring a few rickety chairs and transfiguring them into a comfy couch like the ones in the common room easily -he was a really talented wizard. "So, we were talking about what we wanted and I believe we were interrupted before I got to answer."

I toed off my booties and tucked my legs underneath me, getting comfortable for his spill of emotions. "Yes, you said my name and then the redhead tornado swung through."

Me making myself comfortable made me grin and turn to face me instead of the stars. "Poppy, I started fancying you last year when my dad put a picture on the mantel of the stuffy people at some dumb party I wasn't invited to. Everyone looked so stuck-up, then there was you in a purple dress and a nervous smile with these eyes that gripped me. I wondered how I'd never noticed you before."

I remembered the picture he was talking about, I was nervous because the grown man standing beside me was grabbing my ass. I knew better than to say anything or push him off, my mother had my arm in a death grip behind her back to make sure I didn't ruin the picture. It made my stomach turn that he thought I was beautiful in it.

"You looked so sad and distant," he continued, oblivious to my inner turmoil. "You looked like I felt inside, I wanted to know you. I wanted to connect with you."

Jesus, I totally read that wrong and felt like an asshole. "I thought you were going to say I looked beautiful or something in that picture."

"I mean, I think you're always beautiful, Poppy, but you were something else," he told me, reaching over and taking my hand in his. "What was wrong?"

"At that specific time or in general?" I asked, knowing it wasn't funny but laughing regardless. "There are a lot of things wrong with me, man. Do you want an exact list?"

He knew I was trying to make it lighter than it really was, but he didn't let me. "You can tell me whatever you want or you can start a new conversation. It's your choice."

"The man beside me had his hand on my ass and my mother was gripping my arm so tightly behind her back I couldn't move. She didn't want me to knock his hand off and make her look bad," I told him, my face straight as I stared out at the stars instead of him. "Pictures had to be perfect and girls had to be quiet possessions of their husbands."

"That's Fineas Carrow, he's a vile slimebucket," he told me, obviously not swearing because he didn't want to upset me. Then he cleared his throat and asked, "Was that the only time your mother ever hurt you?"

That was a very intimate question and I could tell he knew that by the way he asked it. I'd never realized how easy it was to read Sirius Black, but he was an open book. His face told me he asked because he wanted to connect with me, because his mother hurt him too, not because he was noisy.

"That wasn't even the only time that day," I told him, chewing the corner of my lip. Then I took a breath and a leap of faith, "The reason I moved in with Delaney and her parents is because of my mother. The night it happened, she threw a crystalline decanter at me and it broke my orbital bone and fractured my jaw. I didn't know where to go because I knew she'd never take me to a healer so I Flooed to Lanie's and her mother refused to let me go back once she and Lanie's dad brought me back from St. Mungo's."

Holding his eyes for that entire story made my stomach hurt because it made me so vulnerable. This was exposing myself in an unfamiliar way I wasn't sure I cared for. When you made yourself vulnerable, you put yourself at risk for being hurt again and that was the last thing I wanted.

"Is that where you got your scar?" he asked without thinking and made me flinch. When he saw that, he immediately started backpedaling. "Merlin's beard, that was inappropriate! I'm so sorry, you probably want to leave and never look back after that."

"No, that's not where it's from," I answered, finding his babbling sort of cute. "I'm just happy you asked, most people just stare and make up their own reasons."

Like when we were in the common room after the Quidditch game the other day, he reached up and cupped my jaw. He ran his thumb along the thin scar and I closed my eyes, just soaking in the tender feel of his rough hands against my skin. When I opened them up again, I saw his liquid mercury eyes watching my every move.

"I told you I wasn't sure what I wanted," I whispered, afraid being too loud would ruin the moment we were in. "And I'm not, but I know I want this."

Before I could talk myself out of it, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. His hand was still holding my face with his thumb stroking over my scar while I rested one of mine on his chest for balance. I'd kissed a couple boys, but I was no expert by any means. Sirius didn't seem to mind, he took control of the kiss and started moving his lips against mine, almost like he was trying to memorize the way they felt.

The dragons were back and they'd brought every single creature in Newt Scamander's book with them this time. I'd never felt quite so out of my head before, especially not with another person. I wanted to do crazy things with him on this couch, things I couldn't even say out loud without spontaneously combusting on the spot. The kiss was relatively chaste, but the roaring in my ears was deafening. If every kiss with him felt like this, I wasn't sure I'd survive him.

He pulled back from me before the kiss could go any further and rested his forehead against mine, trying to even his breathing. "Blimey, freckles, you keep me on my toes, ya know that?"

I laughed airily and forced myself to hold his gaze when I spoke. "I'm not ready to tell you where the scar's from yet. Is that okay?"

"If you kiss me like that and keep wearing this little knee socks, you can do anything you want to me," he replied, snapping the hem of my sock against my thigh and making me squeak. "Godric, you're adorable."

"Hush!" I cried, hitting his chest with my hand and turning to cuddle into his side as we watched the stars together.

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 **I seriously loved this chapter! I hope you did, too!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I've gotten a ton of reviews for this story suddenly and that's so fantastic! Thanks so much!**

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It's very weird to go from having one friend to having an entire group of them within a couple months. I was still awkward and quiet most of the time, but they were slowly pulling me out of my shell. Sirius and I started spending a lot of time together which meant I was inadvertently involved in a lot of loud, attention-drawing situations. To my surprise, I was slowly starting to be less and less uncomfortable about them. By no means did I want to be the center of attention now, but I also didn't want to spontaneously combust whenever more than two people looked at me at one time.

Currently, I was sitting in Sirius' bed studying while the four of them planned a prank. It involved the dinner goblets and ducks, but I wasn't listening to details. The last thing I wanted was to be an accessory to the prank, I wasn't as good at lying as they were. If a professor asked me something, I could do nothing but spill my guts. I hadn't had a single detention in six years and I didn't want to have one now.

"We have to go do some scouting to make sure things will work," James announced, pushing up from his bed and heading toward the door.

Remus and Peter followed him out of the dorm, but Sirius just came over to sit across from me. I didn't look up from my Charms' notes even though I wasn't seeing the words anymore. I was sitting with my legs crossed and my shoes on the floor as I tried to focus on the things I was being tested on it a week's time. Sirius, on the other hand, never studied and got the best marks in our year along with James.

"It's very hard to read about shrinking charms when you're watching me so intently," I told him in a fake-annoyed voice, looking up at him fully for the first time.

He smirked at me haughtily before he said, "Then let me give you something else to do to with your time."

He pulled the parchment off my lap slowly and moved closer to me, giving me time to pull away or halt him if I didn't want what was happening. Instead, I waited patiently for him to get closer to my face but not kiss me. We were a few centimeters apart, making me lick my lips in anticipation. I knew he was teasing me and it was working, I was slowly getting way too worked up.

I huffed in frustration before grabbing his tie and pulling him the rest of the way to me. Our lips connected and he immediately took control as usual, his mouth claiming mine easily. My hand usually stayed in safe places, but I wanted to be a little dangerous tonight so I carded my fingers in his hair. His grip on my hip tightened in response, obviously appreciating me breaking my normal patterns.

When I felt his tongue teasing the seam of my lips, a surprised sound left me. We'd kissed like this a few times, but the feel of it always got to me. He licked into my mouth and an airy sound left me this time, my fingers tightening in his hair in response. I'd never understood why people wanted to kiss this way, it was always so gross to me… until Sirius. I'd never tell him in fear of giving him an even bigger head, but he was far too good at kissing to be fair.

Feeling a sudden surge of uncharacteristic bravery, I lifted my tongue and brushed it against his. The sound that left his mouth sent a bolt of electricity through my entire body. I maneuvered myself up onto my knees and took control of the kiss hesitantly, something I'd _never_ done before.

"Freckles," he groaned when we parted for breath for a few seconds.

I giggled, but it died in my throat when he pressed his lips to the skin of my neck. I'd never been kissed there before, I was always too afraid. I dropped my hand from his hair to grip his shoulder, my nails digging into his shoulder when he brushed over a spot under my ear.

"God, you're responsive tonight," he murmured against my skin, his tongue brushing over the tender skin.

"Shut up," I whined, still breathless. "Don't make fun of me."

He clutched the side of my neck and held my eyes when he said, "I'm not, I swear. You're driving me crazy with those little noises and the way you're touching me."

My face heated up and I started chewing my bottom lip, unsure how to react to that. His thumb reached up and pulled my lip from my teeth, lying against it. I pursed my lips and kissed it gently, making him close his eyes and take a shaky breath through his teeth.

"Poppy," he breathed, his eyes opening and revealing how stormy they were. "You drive me completely mental."

I laughed breathily, moving forward and kissing him again. It was my turn to run my tongue along his bottom lip, and his turn to open up eagerly for me. The hand he rested on my hip slid down very, very close to my bum and I flinched out of habit. Even if the touch of his hands made my heart pound in the most pleasurable way possible, there were nasty memories attached to the action.

Sirius and I have been doing whatever it is we were doing for almost a month and this was as far as we'd gone. He was so respectful of my boundaries, always sticking to what I was comfortable with. I'd never known boys could be as gentle as he was with me. That alone reassured me he'd never hurt me, he would only touch me with intentions of making me feel good and with my permission.

"Merlin, sorry, Poppy," he said against my lips, moving his hand back up to my hip.

"No! It's okay," I told him, taking his hand and sliding it back down to cup my bum over my uniform skirt. "It's okay, I trust you."

His eyes held mine, searching for any reservations behind them. When he was satisfied I was okay, he went back to kissing me -or letting me kiss him I should say. His grip tightened on my bum when I flicked my tongue against his, using said grip to pull me closer to him.

"Freckles, we need to stop," he told me when I pulled away from him to catch my breath. "Before things go further than you want in the heat of the moment."

I knew somewhere in the distant part of my mind he was right. I pulled far enough away from him to lean my forehead against his and waited for my breathing to even out. He moved his hand from my bum to rest lightly on my hip while the other twisted my hair around his fingers absentmindedly.

We didn't talk, we just looked at each other for a few minutes while our breathing regulated. I'd never known kissing someone could make me feel so out of my body and out of control. If he hadn't been there with his hands holding me, I felt like I could float off into the air.

"How do you do that?" he asked randomly. When I raised my brows, he continued, "Make me feel like I'm losing control but slowly being put back together at the same time."

His words made my stomach flutter -I made him feel like he was losing control? "You make me forget how to breathe sometimes… but I'm also nervous by nature."

"You are so fucking cute sometimes," he went further, that lopsided grin that made me blush making an apperance.

"That smile gets me every time," I replied, trying to make him realize the effect he had on me.

He flashed teeth when he smiled this time, making me push his shoulder with pink cheeks. Eventually, I grabbed my Charms' notes off the floor and started studying again. I pushed my glasses up my nose and heard Sirius snicker at me.

"I've never snogged a girl in glasses before you," he mused quietly, watching me study with interested eyes.

I raised a brow at him and asked, "Oh yeah? How was it?"

He smirked at my sudden bout of confidence, hiding his surprise well. "Life changing."

* * *

"You made out with him? Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?" Delaney exclaimed when I came upstairs later that night. "Also, you've got a hickey."

I slapped a hand over the side of my neck and rushed into the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror, I saw she was right. Sirius left a mark roughly the size of a Galleon just under my ear and it made me flush. I'd seen some of the girls doing charms to cover their own hickeys but never caught what it was. I'd have to learn before class tomorrow, for sure.

When I went back into the dorm, all the girls were in their beds. Their eyes all flashed to me and I knew Delaney had told them about the mark Sirius left. I covered it with my hands and dove under my covers, but their laughter followed me. I even heard one of the wolf-whistle, and I thought I couldn't blush any harder than I already was.

I'd never thought I could trust a boy to be close to me. I always thought they were all the same, all they wanted was sex and they'd do whatever they had to get it. I'd also never known how gentle hands could be when they touched you, making you shiver instead of flinch.

The next morning, Delaney taught me how to do the charm to cover up the hickey with only minimal laughter. I did the rest of my makeup and my hair before the group of us headed down to breakfast together. Lily was completely ignoring James' existence again and he, surprisingly enough, was doing the same thing. I think I'd ever seen him talking to another girl in the hallway between classes the other day.

When we all sat together for meals, the two of them sat as far away from each other as possible -this morning was no exception. I was between Sirius and Delaney like usual and he had his hand resting on my knee, his fingers playing with the elastic of my knee sock. He wasn't kidding when he told me he'd do anything if I wore those, he lost his mind when I did so I slowly integrated them into my wardrobe more and more.

"Keep your eyes on the Slytherin table," he whispered to me as I reached past him for the marmalade.

My lips lifted into an adoring smile when I asked, "What'd you do?"

He winked before their entire side of the Great Hall exploded in noise. A lot of the people sitting at the table were now transformed into different types of animals. My jaw dropped in surprise -that must've taken some serious magic to accomplish. When they started freaking out, laughter enveloped the entire Great Hall -most of it coming from our table. That must've been the prank they were planning last night.

"You're brilliant," I complimented the four of them. "How'd you do that?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Poppy," James replied, straight face and serious everywhere but his eyes that were dancing with amusement.

There wasn't a doubt in anyone's mind who did the prank, there was only one group of wizards who was that clever and had that level of magical ability. Dumbledore and McGonagall had their eyes locked on the Marauders but had nothing to link them to the prank. Slughorn was among those who were laughing and it made the entire situation funnier.

"I think it's very immature," Lily announced, standing up from the table and walking out of the Hall.

"No surprise there," James replied, loud enough for her to hear. "You wouldn't know a good time if it bit you on your ass. There's a stick shoved so far up it you can't process anything else."

That was harsh, but I knew she'd really hurt him. Sirius told me about how upset he was when Lily left their date, I think he may have even cried. He was genuinely in love with her, there was no love of the chase or the idea of her -he just love for Lily. I understood her being reluctant and maybe a little afraid to be with him, but if I could dive in head first into the unknown, so could she. She was also being a bit unreasonable right now.

I saw her freeze at his words but didn't turn around. Mary and Alice hurried after her, but Delaney and I stayed put. I hated being put in the middle of the two of them. They were both my friends, I didn't want to choose between them.

"I know you're hurt, James, but that was a little harsh," I said quietly so only the group of us heard. "She's just afraid of what could happen."

"That's stupid!" he cried, making me flinch out of habit -raised voices were usually followed by harsh actions.

"Being afraid isn't stupid, boys who don't respect your feelings are," I said shakily, pushing up from the table and leaving before I cried at the breakfast table.

I heard feet chasing after me and tucked over to the side of the hallway to wait for Delaney. When I saw Sirius making his way over to me instead, I felt surprise course through me. I'd never thought it would be him coming to check on me.

"I promise he doesn't mean to upset you, he just doesn't think before he talks sometimes," he reassured me, reaching out and pulling me into a hug. "He's just really hurt by Lily, he thought he'd finally won her over."

I hugged him back pressing my forehead against the side of his neck as I sucked in a ragged breath. "I know I'm too sensitive about everything and I'm working on it. I didn't mean to steal the attention away from your prank, it was really impressive."

I saw his cheeks move up as he smiled at my compliment, his neck getting hot under my forehead. "You embarrass me, freckles."

My anxiety was slowly lowering when I laughed, kissing the base of his neck before I could stop myself. Then I remembered the mark on me and moved back from him to grab my wand. I pushed my hair over one shoulder and bared my throat, reversing the charm covering the spot on my skin so he could see it.

"Just thought you should know," I told him before covering it back up and kissing his cheek. "I have class, I'll see you in Transfigurations later!"

Something about the interaction made me feel confident, forgetting my hurt feelings over James. Also making me forget how lame my response was. It was so juvenile, but I wasn't very creative whenever I was anxious like that -or in general but whatever.

I'd probably overreacted to the situation like I said earlier, I was just sensitive to things like that. Fighting in general made me incredibly nervous, it usually ended in some kind of violence in my experience. James and Lily would never physically hurt each other and I knew that, but when you've experienced something most of your life it was hard to break the cycle. What matters is I was trying my best to break it now.

* * *

 **Things are going to stop being so nice and sweet soon, they're in a war after all.**

 **Keep the reviews coming, you all!**


	8. Chapter 8

**This is an intense chapter and could be triggering to some people, so be wary of that.**

 ***Trigger Warning***

* * *

I was sitting with everyone at breakfast when the post came like usual with Delaney getting a copy of The Daily Prophet like every morning. This morning, however, the front page drew my attention and horrified me in the same second. My mother and father were in handcuffs and looking past everyone with their chins raised high. The title said, " **Pureblood Couple Murders Family of Muggleborns"** and I felt my stomach hit my feet. My parents killed a family of muggleborns.

"Poppy," Delaney said, but it sounded like she was a million miles away.

My blood was pounding in my ears so fast everything else was barely a whisper and I felt eyes boring into me. I knew it wasn't just in my head this time, almost everyone in the Great Hall was staring at me. I needed to get out and away from the situation before I had a meltdown, but I was frozen to the bench underneath me. I could vaguely hear Sirius trying to get my attention, but I couldn't look away from the matching haughty looks my parents wore on the newspaper.

I forced myself to look up and saw I was right, people all around the room were looking at me with horrified faces. They had to think I was like my parents, even if that was the furthest thing from the truth. The only people who knew I didn't live with them anymore were Lily and Sirius. I knew I should've had some kind of reaction, but my body felt like it was slowly going numb instead. The fierce need to cry from earlier was gone and my breathing was even, it was like everything was normal even though that was the furthest thing from true. My entire world had been turned on its axis and a family had been murdered. Nothing was the same.

Delaney's father was a muggle so she was a halfblood, how much of a leap was it to my parents hurting people like her? I was a blood traitor and that made me just as bad in their eyes as a muggleborn. It wasn't a secret Voldemort's supports hated people like me, my parents obviously included.

"Freckles, let's go," Sirius said suddenly, standing up and pulling me with him instead of asking this time. "Come on, get a move, baby. We have to go."

He placed a hand on my lower back and forcefully led the way out of the Great Hall, away from all the prying eyes watching me. Once we were in the Astronomy Tower, he held my shoulders and tried to get me to focus on him before he started talking.

"Freckles, are you okay? You're not talking or blinking or breathing?" he told me in a nervous voice. "No, you're breathing but that's it."

"I don't feel anything, nothing," I told him in an even voice. "I should be crying or freaking out, but I'm not because I don't feel anything. What's wrong? Am I broken, Sirius? Was that the final straw before I lost my mind?"

"Poppy, you don't have to feel anything right now," he told me, reaching up and cupping my cheeks gently. "You're not crazy, you're in shock, baby. Do you want me to take you back up to the common room?"

"Am I going to crash and end up having a total meltdown?" I asked, biting my lip nervously. "I don't want to do that around other people, they're already expecting me to lose my sanity at this point."

He thought for a few minutes before he answered my question. "I don't know, but I can take you upstairs and make sure you're safe or I can walk you out to the greenhouses."

"Will you stay with me just in case I do?" I asked in a timid voice.

"Of course," he promised, releasing my face to take my hand in his and lead the way back to Gryffindor Tower. "Do you want to be in your bed, sweetheart?"

I nodded and asked, "How? The stairs turn into a slide if you touch them."

"Kneazle," Sirius said, making the door swing open and allow us to go back inside. "You're going to levitate me up to the landing, babe. I remember you in Charms first year, you were a professional at the spell."

I just nodded and climbed the stairs in a daze, pulling my wand out of my robes' pocket. I didn't have to say the spell anymore, I floated him up to the landing easily. His hand found mine again and I led the way to my room, pointing to my bed before taking off my robes, tie, and shoes. He was leaning against my headboard, watching my every move.

I moved to sit with him, my legs over his lap as I laid against his side. In the silence of the dorm, my mind wandered back to the fear I had as I went numb. It really wasn't a stretch for me to be murdered for where I stood in the brewing war or for Sirius to be murdered or for any of my friends honestly. It was so scary, I just got them and really didn't want to lose any more family.

"This is really happening, isn't it? We're really heading into a war, aren't we?" I asked in a childlike voice. "We're in danger, all of us."

"Yeah, baby, I think we are," he answered honestly, kissing my hair. "Everything's going to be okay, we're all going to be fine."

That was a lie, he was lying and that meant things were going to get bad. People didn't lie if the truth wasn't scary and Sirius made it a point to tell me the truth as much as possible. He had to be scared of the same things, too.

"Are we going to die?" I asked, playing with his fingers instead of looking at him. "I'm scared, Sirius."

"Baby, me too," he told me quietly. "God, I'm terrified."

Him admitting that made a pit form in my stomach. We were going into a war, we heard about it all the time and I grew up with supremacist parents, but it was a totally different thing to be involved. The Prophet had stories of muggles, muggleborns, and blood traitors dying on the front page all the time, but they'd never been people I knew. Especially not the ones doing the murdering.

"People are going to think I'm like them," I told him, tears finally burning my eyes. "They're going to think I want to hurt them, that I'm on the same side as Voldemort. How am I going to ever look at Lily again?"

He slid his fingers back into my hair and massaged my scalp soothingly, not flinching when I said his name like most people. "She's going to look at you the exact same because you're not your parents and everyone who matters knows that. You are good and you are pure and you are everything I've ever wanted, Poppy Elisabeth."

I shook my head and pulled away to look at him for the first time since we'd come upstairs with tears still gathering in my eyes. "I got my scar from a boy when I was fourteen. He tried to kiss me, but I didn't want him to. He pulled my dress down and tried to make me have sex with him. When I refused, he cut my face with a broken wine glass and my mother refused to take me to the healer because she wanted me to be scarred so I'd remember to be a good girl next time."

I watched a plethora of emotions play out across his face before he settled on fury. I pulled out of his embraced and held my knees up to my chest; I'd ruined everything. I didn't want him to think I was what he wanted without knowing everything about me, even the gritty parts. I didn't want to lie. I also didn't want him to be angry because it scared me.

"Are you serious?" he asked in a voice that made me whimper. When he realized how I was feeling, he immediately softened and said, "Shit, Poppy, I'm sorry. I'm not going to hurt you, ever. I swear to Merlin I'd never hurt you, please don't be afraid of me."

"I just didn't want you to think I was perfect," I said in a shaky whisper. "I wanted you to know everything before you decided if you wanted to really be with me."

"Who was it?" he asked, his voice taking a scary edge again instead of acknowledging what I said.

I was worrying my lip to pieces, but I couldn't seem to stop. "He doesn't go here anymore and I don't want you to do anything that'll get you hurt. It's not important right now."

He stood up and started pacing the length of the bed. Then, out of nowhere, he hauled off and punched the bedpost as hard as he could. I screamed and jolted backward, falling onto the hardwood floor of the dorm and curling in on myself. I felt my breath start tearing out of my lungs too fast to be healthy for me as I tried to cover all the tender parts of my body.

"Shit, Poppy, I am so sorry," he said, coming over to me.

I sat up quickly and skidded back from him to press against the wall with my arms over my face. People didn't shout without following it up with hits or hexes and they were almost always sent my way. I was in mid-panic attack when I felt myself getting dizzy because I couldn't get enough air, but I'd worry about that later when I was safe. If I passed out, at least I wouldn't feel any pain.

"Freckles?" his voice was nearly silent as he crouched in front of me with a few feet between us. "I am so sorry. I'm not angry with you, sweetheart. I'm angry at that prick for hurting you and I'm angry at your sorry excuse for parents for making you this scared. Baby, I promise it's okay. I shouldn't have done that, it was stupid because I know how afraid you are of shouting and anger. I just wasn't thinking."

I looked up from my arms to see his face looking back at me, anger still present behind his eyes but not the main emotion. I slowly unfolded myself and moved to wipe the tears off my face with the sleeve of my jumper, wincing when I saw black on the material. I didn't charm my makeup into place this morning and I was regretting it now, I'm sure it was spread all over my face. My throat was aching and my hip hurt from where I slammed into the floor in my haste to get away.

He stood up slowly and offered me his hand, my own was shaking as I reached up to take his reluctantly. I kept telling myself he wasn't going to hurt me, he was angry with Alexander and my parents. He led me into the bathroom and cleaned off the counter before lifting me onto it. I watched him wet a rag and gently start cleaning my face; he could've just used magic, but this was better. The cool rag was good on my heated face and helping clear my head a little. It also reassured me he'd never hurt me, he wanted to take care of me and help me get better.

"I'm sorry I'm a mess," I told him in a rusty voice. "I understand if you want to run as fast as you can in the other direction."

"No fucking way, freckles," he said in a rough voice. "You're not getting rid of me that easy."

He slowly reached out to cup my jaw, running his thumb over the scar like always. My breathing was starting to slow as his stormy gray eyes held mine. I felt like a timid animal whose heart was beating entirely too fast, but I couldn't blame it entirely on my freak out from a couple seconds ago.

"I'm not trying to," I answered. "I've never met someone who tried so hard to be with me. I'm not too sure I'm worth it."

He tossed the rag back into the sink before helping me back onto my feet. We went back into the main room and I turned to face him. I held his face as I kissed him this time, but Sirius pulled away from me almost instantly. Hurt rushed through me, I must've shown him too much of me and he was changing his mind. I just wanted to feel safe and being with him made me feel that way, but I understood his reluctance.

"I don't want to take advantage of you, sweetheart," he told me, brushing his fingers through my hair to move it out of my face. "You're sad and upset, you're not thinking clearly."

He was right and it was frustrating. Instead of trying to kiss him, I wrapped my arms around his torso with my face in his neck. I felt him moving us back over to my bed where he laid us down, holding me close to him. I felt him laying kisses along my hairline, trying to soothe my frazzled nerves.

"Am I going to be like them when I'm older?" I asked in a quiet voice. "Are genetics that strong?"

He didn't answer me right away and I felt my stomach burn, he must wonder that about himself sometimes, too. "I don't know, I just try and do as many things I know would make them angry as possible. That's how I know I'm not going to be mine, I can't."

"I'm not brave like you," I replied, emotion gathering in my throat and choking me. "I don't like when people look at me, I don't like the thought of upsetting my parents even though they didn't mind hurting me."

"Bravery comes in all shapes and sizes, sweetheart. It doesn't have to be outright, it can be pulling yourself out of an unsafe house," he said, pulling back to look at me. "It can be letting someone in after you've been hurt, telling them things that scare you. I think you're exceptionally brave, Poppy."

I laughed wetly, tears gathering behind my eyes at his praise. No one had ever told me I was brave before, only pretty or something else shallow like that. Leave it to Sirius to say something I never knew I needed to hear until this very moment.

"I'm really glad I sat with you on the train," I whispered, lying my head against his shoulder.

"Me too, sweetheart, me too."

* * *

 **God, I love them so much. Drop a review and tell me if I'm keeping the story genuine, I really want to know.**


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter might be really sucky, I'm having some intense writer's block.**

* * *

When you have crippling anxiety, people staring at you is horrible. The entire school knew about my parents and what they did, and it was like they were expecting me to lose it at any second. My friends were all walking on eggshells when they were around me, Sirius and Delaney included, and I hated it. I just wanted things to go back to normal, at least as normal as they could be for me.

I tried my hardest to ignore all the whispers and points when I walked in the hallways, or the whispers during class accompanied with glares or fearful looks. I'd made Sirius swear he would stop hexing all the people who talked about me when he ended up in two straight weeks of detention because of it. He was lucky McGonagall caught him or he would've had a lot harsher punishment, the witch had a soft spot for him.

I apologized to Lily so much she hexed my tongue to stick to the roof of my mouth so I'd stop. I gave up a little after that and she reassured me she didn't hold my parents' actions against me. I'd lucked out when it came to friends, I was thankful I stepped out of my comfort zone and acquired them. The thought of going through this with only one person on my side was terrifying.

The next few days, every single newspaper had headlines about various murders done for Voldemort. I'd also learned not to say his name around certain people, especially people who weren't my friends. Dumbledore, on the other hand, always said that names only had power if you gave it to them and I was trying to be as brave as Sirius thought I was so I said it anyway. I also noticed Sirius, James, and Remus said it without flinching while Peter uttered it like he was about to be struck down. I just figured he was a hair less brave and didn't question it much.

Everything came to a head one day when I was walking back from Astronomy on my own. It had been held at night so we could watch the waxing gibbous moon. I was walking fast, trying to get to dinner quickly because I was starving. I'd just got to the bottom of the Astronomy Tower when I heard footsteps coming from the hallway right at me.

"So, you think you can just act like you're not like your parents?" a seventh year Gryffindor named Phillian asked, approaching me quickly with two of his friends in tow. "They murdered my girlfriend's parents!"

I felt my throat tighten as ice flooded my belly. "I'm so sorry! I don't think like they do, I don't care about blood."

Phillian laughed and his friends echoed it, making the hair on the back of my neck raise. "Of course you don't, why would you? It's not like you're a pureblood piece of shit, right? Oh wait -you are!"

I flinched and tightened my grip on the sleeve of my robes, chewing my bottom lip. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't breathe steadily enough to come up with a response. I'd never done anything to make people think I thought like my parents, I flew under the radar until this year. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even know I existed until my parents made the front page.

"You're not arguing because I'm right," he continued, slowly starting to back me into a wall. "I know you screwed with Alexander Nott, he bragged about you to all his numskull friends on the Quidditch team. If you screw a death eater, it's not a big jump to being one."

His thought process was a bit flawed, but I was too frightened to argue with him. It also made my stomach knot up to think about him bragging to his friends about me. Nothing that happened that night was something to brag about, but I doubt he told the truth. He probably said we shagged, told them I wanted him. I wasn't sure if it was fear or revulsion that made my stomach flip and my appetite disappear.

"You think you're so smart, hiding behind the Marauders. They can't hide you forever, eventually you're going to slip up and show everyone who you really are," Phillian told me, pressing his wand under my chin and tilting my head up so he could look me in the eye. "And the second you do, I'll be there to stop you."

He dug the wand tip a little harsher into my neck before leaving with his friends. I clutched my throat and slid down the wall, tears burning my eyes. I figured people thought I was like my parents, but I never thought I'd be threatened because of it. I knew Jael went to school here, but it was so much different actually _knowing_ she went to school here. I needed to find her and apologize before things got even worse. The last thing I wanted was for people to think I was going to hurt them, I didn't agree with Voldemort or anything he stood for.

It took me a while to gather myself, but my breathing eventually became even again and it didn't feel like I was going to pass out. Unfortunately, dinner was long over and it was almost curfew. I guess I was going to bed hungry tonight, it wasn't the first time and probably wouldn't be the last.

I'd just made it into the common room when the clock struck ten -curfew. Wow, that was good timing. Sirius and Remus were sitting on a couch playing Wizards' Chess and I felt the remaining tightness in my chest evaporate at the sight of him. I couldn't decide if that was romantic or pathetic, but I didn't really mind at the moment.

"You missed dinner, sweetheart. Where were you?" Sirius asked, pulling me onto his lap and making me blush. "Mhm, I love it when you blush like that, freckles."

He kissed my flaming cheeks and made me giggle stupidly, momentarily forgetting about the attack in the hallway. I felt safe and content right here, it felt like no one could touch me here. My bubble of contentment burst when my stomach gave a loud growl and made Remus snort as he moved his knight across the board.

"Let me kick Moony's ass and we'll sneak into the kitchens," Sirius told me, kissing my temple before focusing back on the game.

"I'm going to go take my stuff upstairs first," I told him, standing up shakily and heading up the stairs to my dorm. On the way up, I saw Jael coming down them and acted, "Hi, I know you hate me and don't want to hear a word out of my mouth, but I'm sorry."

She looked terrible; her eyes were bloodshot and red, her face looked saggy and sunken in, while the bags under her eyes were almost bigger than her eyes in general. "Oh, thanks. I'm not angry with you, Poppy, I know you're not like them."

"Your boyfriend doesn't share your sentiment," I said under my breath. Then I looked at her again and said, "Regardless, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry my parents took your family from you. It's not fair and I know you've had a million people say they're sorry, but I just wanted you to know you can talk to me if you want."

A flicker of a smile lit behind her eyes before it burned out quickly and she looked tired. "Thank you, Poppy, I really appreciate that. I'm sorry for Phil, he just wants to protect me and doesn't know how to do it the right way sometimes."

I wanted to hug her, but I didn't want to overstep my boundary. Something about her sadness resonated within me, I knew how that kind of devastation felt. I also lost my family, even if the circumstances were different, a lost family hurts the same.

"I lost my family, too. I moved in with Delaney this summer because my parents weren't good people," I told her, unable to stop myself. "I know it's not the same, it's nowhere near, but I kind of understand how you feel."

I didn't have to fret over whether or not to hug her because she made the decision herself. She reached forward and hugged me close, releasing a ragged breath against my shoulder. She was taller than me, but she'd lowered her head so it rested against my shoulder comfortingly.

Eventually, she took a breath and pulled back up to her full height. "Thanks for this, I didn't know I needed it until right now. Everyone's treating me like I'm fragile, they're afraid to say anything and break me. Phil thinks he can fight this with his hands and my other friends are just trying to not mention it. I'm thankful you're here to talk to about it."

She left me alone on the landing after that, just staring after her. Phillian scared me earlier, but I understood his anger and where it all came from. Knowing that Jael didn't blame me made it better, easier to deal with. I didn't want her to feel alone right now. Feeling alone is so suffocating, I'd hate for other people to feel like that.

I continued on my way into the dorm and put my bag on the floor by my bed. I shrugged off my robes and took off my tie before heading back down to the common room. Sirius was frowning as Remus packed up the chess set, he must've lost. I perched on the arm of the couch, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"What was that about kicking my ass, Padfoot?" Remus teased, making me grin and pat Sirius' shoulder.

"We're going to the kitchens," he huffed, pulling a sheaf of parchment out of his back pocket. Then he turned to me and said, "I'm going to show you something, but you have to keep it a secret."

I knitted my eyebrows together and looked at him, unconvinced. "Baby, you're aware that's just a piece of parchment, right?"

He winked before pulling out his wand and tapping the parchment, saying, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

I watched the parchment slowly soak with ink, loopy script appearing on the top. _Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, & Prongs are proud to present: The Marauder's Map_ was written across the top. Then Sirius opened the parchment and a map appeared, sets of hundreds of footprints were walking all over the place and the locations were labeled. This was some serious magic, I was again astounded by how brilliant the four of them were.

"You've got to tutor me in Charms," I told him, looking from the map to his face with impressed eyes. "The group of you are brilliant, you know?"

I figured he would reply with something cocky, but I watched his cheeks dust pink instead. It was my turn to lean forward and press a kiss to his flushed cheeks and make Remus groan. He said something about vomiting before getting up and heading up the boys' staircase.

"This is going to help us keep from getting caught," he told me, standing up from the couch after he'd calmed his cheeks and leading the way outside.

"How do you know where the kitchens are? I thought they were hidden," I asked, linking my arm with his as he led the way through the hallway and avoided Filch easily.

"Nothing's truly hidden if you know how to look for it," he replied mystically before tugging me to a stop as something shot through the floor and made me squeal. "Evening, Peeves, how are you tonight?"

"Out of bed with _another_ girl, Black? How naughty," he cried, bouncing in the air as he looked at me. Then he zoomed forward and started lifting my hair, "Aren't you the daughter of the murders?"

"Beat it, Peeves," Sirius barked, making the poltergeist flash his eyes over to him. "Unless you fancy a nose full of bubblegum and hair made of candy floss."

The poltergeist huffed before pulling my hair and disappearing back into the floor. It was stupid, but I felt a surge of jealousy course through me. It was no secret Sirius had a rather rancorous past when it came to girls, but I hated hearing about it. I also didn't like the way he referred to me as _another_ girl as if I was nothing special.

"Freckles, what's wrong?" he asked, stopping in front of a big portrait of fruit hanging on the wall. "You look upset."

"It's stupid," I sighed, chewing my bottom lip. "I'm just being insecure and pathetic."

He shoved the map in his pocket against before turning to face me fully. "Nothing you think is stupid, lo -sweetheart. You can tell me anything."

"Peeves just called me _another_ girl that you snuck through the castles," I sighed, trying to ignore how him correcting himself made my heart beat faster. "I know it's dumb, but it still bothers me you've been with so many girls."

He frowned and I knew I upset him with my insecurities and felt shame overtake me. I looked down at the toes of my Mary Janes and kicked the stone floor. I'd upset him because I was a pathetic little girl who couldn't do relationships because of how badly I disliked myself. It was also selfish to say those things, but I also knew I couldn't lie about them.

"Poppy, I've shagged six girls," he told me in an even voice. "I can't undo what I did and I'm tired of apologizing to you for them. Please don't be upset with me, but I don't regret sleeping with them."

I closed my eyes and tried to not overreact like I direly wanted to. "I understand that and don't expect you to keep apologizing. I'm trying so hard to not be upset and jealous and insecure and pathetic."

"Poppy," he sighed, tilting my head up and leaning his forehead against mine. "I haven't talk to another girl since the beginning of last term and definitely not since we've been together."

He and I have been talking since September and it was almost December now -we'd been together for almost four months and he hadn't even looked at another girl. I was what he wanted and he was okay with going as slow as I wanted to go. Sirius really cared about me and I needed to stop treating him like he'd been the one to assault me, it wasn't his fault it happened.

"I'm sorry, I know it wasn't your fault I was assaulted. I'm sorry for making it seem like I blame you and treating you like you did it," I told him, standing on my tip toes and kissing him quickly. "Can we please go eat and act like I was a pathetic little school girl?

He smiled and kissed me this time, pressing his lips harder against mine. Then he leaned me back against the wall and gripped me low on my hip. He slid his tongue into my mouth and made a pathetic whimper leave the back of my throat that he echoed with a growl. We'd have gone further, I had no doubt, if my stomach didn't growl obnoxiously.

"Okay, okay, let's get my girl something to eat," he teased, kissing my nose before reaching behind me to tickle the pear over my shoulder.

The portrait lifted off the wall and revealed a bustling kitchen inside, making me forget about the galloping unicorn heard in my belly from him calling me his girl. There was a long table with a bunch of house elves running around. The shelves on the walls had various pots and pans and cooking equipment shoved into them and the house elves looked absolutely chuffed to see us.

"Mister Black and Missus Whitewall, how may we serve you?" a chubby house elf asked, pushing his way to the front to get to us first.

"Is there any soup left from dinner?" Sirius asked without looking at the house elf.

That struck me as a bit odd, but I didn't say anything. Instead, I turned to the elf and smiled, "Anything would be wonderful, thank you."

"Yes'um, Missus Whitewall!" the elf shrieked before rushing off to gather food for us with the others rushing after him.

The two of us sat down at the table and I looked at him with a displeased expression. "You could at least act like you're not a pureblood brat when you speak to them, you know?"

"Excuse me?" he asked with a hint of anger behind his words.

I tried to ignore my instant reaction to shrink and pushed forward, he wouldn't hurt me. "They're trying their best to get you anything you want and you didn't even look at him or say please."

"They're house elves, they don't care if you're polite," he said like it was obvious. "They're doing what they want to do, why would I thank them?"

I didn't much care for this bratty side of him, but then I realized he'd probably never been told he was supposed to be nice to them. "They're a living creature, Sirius. All of them deserve respect and gratitude, especially if they're doing something for you. I don't care if they're the Minister of Magic or a Flobberworm, Sirius Orion, they deserve respect."

He flinched when I used his full name and I was instantly filled with shame. That must've triggered something because he didn't say anything after that. The house elves brought us bowls of soup, big chunks of bread, and a bottle of pumpkin juice each. I was about to thank them graciously when Sirius beat me to it.

"Thank you," he told them, an uncertain air behind his words. "I didn't mean to be rude earlier, I appreciate you helping us."

The house elf immediately started squeaking out thank yous as his face flushed more than I'd ever seen a house elf. Eventually, the group of them left us and we ate in silence. He must've been too nervous when I didn't show up for dinner to eat himself. If we weren't sort of fighting, I probably would've kissed him or something like that.

"There's nothing wrong with learning things, you shouldn't be embarrassed or upset. I'm sorry I jumped on you," I told him after I'd finished eating. "And I'm sorry I upset you by saying your full name like that."

"No, you were right. I'm trying so hard to be a good guy for you and it seems like I keep messing things up," he said, pushing his soup around with his spoon as he spoke. "I've never tried this hard for anything in my entire life."

I pushed up from the table and moved over to sit beside him, waiting until he looked at me to kiss him. I'd intended for it to be sweet and gentle, but that wasn't how it happened. My tongue slid into his mouth and his fingers knotted in my hair as we struggled to get closer to each other. If I hadn't seen the house elves watching us with horrified expressions, I probably would've gone back in for more kisses.

"We should probably put a cap on that for now, baby," he whispered, kissing the tip of my nose.

"Or we could keep going when we get back to the common room," I suggested timidly, biting my lip. "If you want to, I mean."

"Freckles, there will never be a time I turn down snogging you," he smirked, standing up and yanking me behind him as we rushed out of the kitchens.

* * *

 **I appreciate all of you who are reading!**


	10. Chapter 10

**I got the idea for the burning tapestry from somewhere online. If you know the source of the idea, please tell me so I can give them credit!**

* * *

We'd just gotten past the Fat Lady when Sirius placed his lips back on mine. He held my cheeks in his hands and kissed me so thoroughly, I had to press my hand against the wall to keep my balance. When he pulled away, I was lightheaded and giddy in an unfamiliar yet thrilling way.

We were alone in the room so I pulled him over to the couch and pushed him to sit down. Before I could talk myself out of it, I straddled his lap and placed my arms over his shoulders to rest against the back of the couch. His eyes were huge as he placed his hands on my waist and waited for me to make the next move -this was uncharted territory between us and he was letting me lead.

"I want to do this, it's okay," I whispered, brushing his hair out of his face.

He nodded and moved forward to reconnect our lips. It was fierce as his lips moved against mine, his tongue teasing mine playfully. I got frustrated and slid my tongue into his mouth instead, charting it out as one of his hands reached up to clutch the back of my head.

I was pulling on his hair when I broke the kiss and pressed timid kisses to his jaw. I'd never actually kissed someone's neck before, but I was eager to try it with Sirius. I'd just made it down to the spot under his ear when he hissed uncharacteristically. I immediately pulled back, afraid I'd hurt him, to see his pupils dilated as he stared at me. I pushed my glasses back up my nose with the back of my hand out of reflex as I waited for him to speak.

"Why'd you stop?" he asked in a husky voice, his thumbs rubbing over my hips.

"I thought I hurt you," I said in a small voice. "I've never done this before."

"You were doing great, baby," he promised, kissing my chin. "You only do what you're comfortable with, okay? Don't worry about me."

I nodded and leaned back into his neck, going back to the spot from before. I darted my tongue out and licked over the spot experimentally, feeling his hips stutter underneath me. I took that as a good sign and started working over the spot until I was satisfied. I moved my kisses down to his collarbones, bared by his unknotted tie and partially unbuttoned shirt, where I focused.

I'd just brushed my teeth over it when he hissed and said, "Poppy, fuck."

A wave of confidence flooded me at his outburst and I reached out to continue unbuttoning his shirt. I thanked Merlin for Quidditch because Sirius was a sight for sore eyes underneath his white oxford. I kept sucking his collarbone before I moved my kisses down his chest a bit with my hands resting low on his stomach.

My kisses had just dropped daringly low for me when he moaned. It wasn't one of the pleased noises he'd been making before and I immediately looked up at his face. He looked a bit confused before another wave of pain washed over him and he moaned again. Panic coursed through me as I took his face in my hands so he had to look at me.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" I asked in panicked voice.

"I don't know, it feels like I'm burning from the inside out or something," he hissed. "And not like I was five seconds ago when you were kissing me. It's not good, I don't know what it is."

I was in the middle of freaking out when the entrance to the common room opened and Dumbledore walked in. Relief washed over me, he would know what to do to make Sirius stop hurting.

"Professor, I don't know what's wrong," I whimpered, moving off Sirius' lap to sit beside him on the couch with one of his hands clutched in both mine.

"Mr. Black, I've gotten word your mother blasted you off your family's tapestry," he told Sirius in an even, calming voice. "I would attribute this pain to that. Madam Pomfrey has brewed a Painless Potion for you."

"You two stay here, I'll go get it," I suggested, hopping up from the couch and rushing out of the common room before either of them could stop me.

I rushed down the hallway, not thinking about running into anyone as I raced to the Infirmary Wing. Madam Pomfrey was in her office and came to the door when she saw me enter, thinking I was hurt.

"Professor Dumbledore said you had a potion for Sirius," I said, panting slightly. "I came to get it for him."

She looked at me skeptically for a few seconds before bustling over to grab the potion. "This won't put him to sleep, but it will make him groggy for twelve hours after consumption."

I nodded and clutched the potion in my hand. "Thank you, Madam Pomfrey."

"Watch over him, he's going to be in quite some pain the next few days," she told me, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Some pain can't be pacified by potions, Miss Whitewall."

She was talking about how he was going to deal with being blasted off his family's tapestry. Most pureblood families had one hanging in the entryway to show all their visitors how pure their family was. I knew my family also had one, but I hadn't been blasted off it yet considering the pain that went along with it. I would definitely remember feeling that, but I'd only just moved it recently.

I hurried back to the common room and found James, Remus, and Peter sitting around Sirius who looked exactly the way he did when I left him -shirt open and a pained look on his face. His brow was still furrowed and it looked like he was sweating from where I was. Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen, but I figured he'd gone to get the guys before leaving.

"Hi, sweetheart, I brought your potion," I said quietly, crouching in front of him on the floor beside Peter. "Pomfrey said it'll make you groggy for twelve hours after you take it."

He nodded and took the potion from me without speaking, downing it in one gulp. I watched the tension on his face slowly fade until he closed his eyes and relaxed back against the couch. A wave of relief washed over me and I sagged forward onto the couch.

"You should get to bed, it's going to be a long night," I suggested to James more than Sirius.

"Will you come with me?" Sirius asked without opening his eyes as he blindly reached for me.

"Of course I will, sweetheart," I promised, watching James and Remus shoulder him up with Peter leading the way upstairs.

I followed behind fiddling nervously with the hem of my skirt. I'd never spent the night with a boy before, nor had I ever really cuddled with anyone. The last thing I wanted was to upset him, I'd probably do just about anything he wanted me to right now.

Once they deposited Sirius onto his bed, they went to their own and pulled their curtains after they said goodnight. I opened his trunk and dug around for a second before coming up with a t-shirt for me to sleep in.

"Do you want anything?" I asked, trying to be quiet.

"No, I'm just going to sleep in my pants… if that's okay," he tacked on, wincing slightly at the implication.

I swallowed thickly and nodded, undoing my tie and reaching up to undo my buttons. I watched Sirius close his eyes and laughed. I didn't think before I started taking my clothes off, I was just acting. I didn't want to be too far away from him. He was being a gentleman, I could only assume other boys would've watched with hungry eyes if their girlfriend started taking her clothes off in front of them.

Once I was in his t-shirt, I crawled into bed beside him and kissed his cheek. "You're sweet, ya know that?"

He nodded and pulled me close, brushing off what I said in favor of having me close. "It still hurts a little."

I felt my eyes burn and pressed kisses to his chest where my head rested. My eyes landed on the hickey I'd left earlier and couldn't hold in my giggles. The curtains were pulled tight around his bed to keep us hidden, and it felt like it was just the two of us in the world.

"I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you being in pain, baby," I murmured, kissing below his chin affectionately. "I'm laughing at the hickey I left. Dumbledore had to see it and think we're always jumping each other."

That made a hollow laugh echo out of his mouth as his grip on me tightened a little. "Thank you for staying with me. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but I really don't want to be by myself, not anymore."

"I feel the same way. I was so afraid to let people in that I pushed everyone away, but I don't want to do that anymore," I agreed quietly, running my fingers across his stomach as I spoke.

* * *

I don't remember falling asleep that night, but the next thing I knew I was waking up in Sirius' embrace. He was still snoring quietly in my ear so I did a quick mouth cleansing charm and peeked out of the curtains to grab my glasses from his side table. It was still early, I had time to do what I had planned.

He was probably going to be in pain today so I wanted to make his morning as good as possible. I rolled him gently onto his back and straddled his hips again, but he didn't wake up -he was a solid sleeper. I leaned down and kissed from below his ear down to his bellybutton before kissing back up to his jaw on the other side.

A groan alerted me he was awake before he took my face in his hands and tried to kiss me. "Ew, clean your mouth first."

He swore under his breath before casting his own charm and pulling my mouth down to his. "Better?"

I just nodded and let him kiss me, my hands resting on my chest as our lips moved together softly. It wasn't charged like last night, it was sweet and made me feel light. He was running his fingers through my hair as his tongue traced across mine gently.

"How do you feel this morning?" I asked when he dropped his head back down to the bed. "I can cast a pain relief spell if you like."

"It's not that bad, just a dull ache," he said flippantly. Then his eyes got a bit distant and he said, "You should probably head back to your room before people start getting up."

He was right and it made me sad, but I did as he instructed. I got up and grabbed my uniform, ducking into the bathroom to change. I laid Sirius' shirt on top of his trunk and went over to him to get a goodbye kiss. It was quick, barely a brush of our lips before he got up and headed to the bathroom.

I walked back to my dorm and thought about how weird he was acting. We'd been so close this morning and then it was like I was with a different person. I really hoped he was okay and things weren't different between us because we'd shared so much with each other.

I pushed into the girls' dormitory and headed to the bathroom before the other girls got up. I was just getting out of the shower when Lily came in, a bird's nest on her head. Her eyes widened a bit when she saw me -she was always the first one up.

"Where were you last night? Your bed hasn't been slept in," she asked through a yawn.

"I stayed with Sirius," I told her, hurrying out of the bathroom before she could react.

While I was getting dressed, Delaney questioned me. "You stayed the night with Sirius and are trying to tell me you didn't shag?"

"We didn't, he had a rough night and didn't want to be by himself," I told her, shrugging my shoulders indifferently. "Nothing happened, I swear to Merlin."

She reluctantly believed me and started getting herself ready. I'd just finished braiding my hair when we all went down to breakfast together. Remus and Peter were sitting at the table when we got there, but James and Sirius were nowhere to be seen. I fist closed over my throat as I rushed over to them.

"Where's Sirius? Is he okay?" I asked in a garbled voice.

Remus' eyes flooded with appreciation when he told me, "Yeah, he's just tired. I think he's going to sit out his lessons this morning. James went to get him a potion, I think. He was in a lot of pain when we woke up this morning."

That made a lot of sense, he made me leave because he didn't want me to see him hurt. My heart ached for him, his parents probably weren't very nice to him when he hurt. I wanted to go see him and tell him he could talk to me about anything, but I knew he needed some space. I didn't want to crowd him.

The girls joined us and nixed the conversation, something told me Sirius wouldn't want them to know. He liked people to think he was a carefree prankster, that's what I thought before I got to know him anyway. Then I saw he was so much more than that, he was the first person to make me feel safe other than Delaney my entire life and that both terrified and thrilled me at the same time.

* * *

Like Remus predicted, Sirius was sitting at the table when I came in for lunch. As much as I wanted to, I didn't run over to him because I didn't want to draw anyone's attention. Instead, I kept pace with Lily and Alice as we made our way to the table together. Delaney was already sitting with Remus, their heads ducked together as they looked at the book between them and spoke quietly.

"Whoa, is that a thing I missed?" I asked the two of them as we slowed our walk to gossip. "I know she's always thought he was cute…"

The two of them shrugged and we sat down together, me beside Sirius with Lily on my other side. She and James sort of tolerated each other again, but he was nowhere near as fawning after her as he used to be. He smiled at her and clearly still loved her, but he also went on dates with other girls now. I'd even seen him snogging a Hufflepuff the other day in the hallway after class.

"Hi," I greeted, kissing Sirius' forehead before grabbing myself a sandwich. "How are you feeling?"

I could see on his face he was still hurting and it made me frown. "I'm sorry I made you leave this morning, it wasn't fair."

I took his hand in mine and brought it up to my lips, kissing it. "You don't have to hide from me, love. I'm not going anywhere."

I realized what I said about the same time he did and froze. I'd said 'love' and it didn't make me want to vomit or go into a panic attack. Judging by the look on his face, he'd also heard what I said and was waiting to see how I reacted.

"I'm sorry I shouted at you when you tried to call me that," I told him, taking a bite of my sandwich before speaking again. "It just sort of slipped out of me and I realize why it happened with you. It doesn't seem like such a dirty word anymore."

He leaned over and kissed the side of my head, smiling when he pulled back. "I'm going to stick with freckles, you can call me anything you want."

I beamed at him in contentment, the warmth from earlier spreading throughout my body. I went back to eating and saw him slowly do the same. The others started talking about the upcoming holiday break and I felt nerves settle in the bottom of my stomach. I've never spent a Christmas anywhere but at my house.

"Do you want me to spend Christmas with you in the castle?" Sirius asked quietly so only I heard him.

That sounded wonderful, but I knew I couldn't bail on the Kalums. "I would love that, but I can't. I owe the Kalums."

He nodded and went back to his food, "I just want you to be happy."

A sudden burst of noise down the table from us drew my attention. People were laughing and looking at Phillian. His hair was bright green and his face was horrified as he looked at his reflection in a spoon.

"You didn't," I hissed at the four boys.

They all looked as surprised as I was and I knew it wasn't them. Then Lily cleared her throat and smiled -she must've done it. That bloody, brilliant witch pranked Phillian because I'd told her about what happened after Astronomy.

"Lily Evans! Did you prank him?" I asked, trying to not laugh at the surprised looks on the Marauders' faces.

"He was an asshole," she shrugged before drinking her pumpkin juice happily.

The look on James' face was pure adoration and, just like that, he was roped back in.

* * *

 **Like I said before, if you know whose idea the burning tapestry thing was, please leave it in the reviews! Other than that, thanks so much for reading! I appreciate you!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sad chapter alert**

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Since he'd been blasted off his family's tapestry, Sirius had become even more reckless than he already was. He got more and more detentions and lost points that James and Remus struggled to gain back with little help from Peter. I had no idea how to help him, he refused to talk about how he felt or insisted he was fine when I asked.

Right now we were sitting together in the common room, me cross-legged with a book on my lap and him lighting little pieces of parchment on fire before sending them into the fireplace. This wasn't uncommon for us, but anyone within a foot distance could feel the tension brewing between us. We weren't talking or touching or even acknowledging each other's existence -a definite deviation from our norm.

"What's up with you two?" Delaney asked, sitting in chair across from us after she entered the common room. "You're tense, and it's not the usual sexual tension."

"Merlin knows it's not because we shagged," Sirius muttered, making me freeze without looking up from the Transfigurations' book in my lap.

We weren't shagging, he knew I wasn't ready for that yet. He'd promised it didn't bother him, but obviously it did. I felt tears burning my eyes and didn't want to cry in the common room or in front of him over this. I excused myself abruptly before heading upstairs with my book clutched tightly to my chest. I'd barely made it into my bed with the curtains drawn when embarrassed tears coursed down my cheeks.

I knew it was stupid to be crying, but I was so humiliated I couldn't help it. I also felt awful because he'd been lying to me. He said it was okay we weren't doing anything more than kissing and _very_ light petting, but he obviously wasn't. I'd just gained a bit of confidence in myself and it was dashed to bits on the common room floor.

About twenty or so minutes passed before Delaney joined me in my bed. Her hair was messed up and her eyes were bright, making me raise a brow in confusion. I'd stopped crying a while ago, but the last thing I wanted was to see Sirius or anyone else for the rest of the night. I already had plans to skip dinner and go to breakfast early.

"What happened to you?" I asked in a croaky voice that made me wince.

"I might have hexed your asshole of a boyfriend," she told me nonchalantly. "And a first year ran and told Professor McGonagall that he had slugs pouring out of his mouth. I have detention all next week, but it was worth it."

"Delaney! Your parents are going to kill you!" I shrieked, pushing up into a sitting position. "Why did you do that?"

"Because he was out of line," she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "That was uncalled for, he knows why you're waiting to have sex, but he was still a prick about it."

"I suppose it isn't fair. He went from being Hogwarts' playboy who shagged girls all the time to being with me who can barely let him touch her butt when we snog," I sighed, trying to make what I said believable. "I guess it was bound to happen, him getting tired of waiting for me."

"Do you hear how fucked that is, Poppy? You told him what happened to you, he knew what he was getting into," she exclaimed, her eyes flaming with anger. "You were assaulted, of course you don't want to have sex right now. If I'd known he was pressuring you, I would've gone after him with my hands instead of my wand."

"He's never pressured me for sex!" I told her, sitting up across from her. "That's why it was so surprising when he said that. I thought he was okay with waiting, that's what he always told me."

"Well, his face wasn't so cocky when slugs were pouring out of his mouth!" she said, crossing her arms over her chest in satisfaction. "I wish you could've seen it, Pops."

"Merlin's beard! That was you?" Lily asked, dipping her head between my curtains. "That was brilliant!"

"Thank you, thank you!" she replied, sliding out of bed and bowing dramatically. "Now, ladies, let's go get dinner."

"Uhm, I think I'm just going to sit this one out," I said, moving to burrow back into my covers. "I don't really want to be around people."

"Nope, that's not an option," Delaney said, taking my hand and yanking me up to my feet. "Let's clean you up first, you look a bit rough, babe."

"Thanks, Lanie. I'm sorry I'm a mess, I've just been crying in my bed for the last hour," I snapped, but she just rolled her eyes and took me into the bathroom.

I took off my glasses and let her do whatever she wanted, figuring it was easier than fighting. Lily sat on the sink and waited for us, the three of us making our way downstairs together. All Delaney did was wash my face and dab a bit of concealer under my eyes so it didn't look like I'd had a meltdown. They were still bloodshot, but there wasn't much I could do about that.

He was sitting with the Marauders like usual, but the three of us didn't sit with them like usual. Alice and Mary eyed us curiously before standing up and walking down to sit across the table. I picked at my food and took enough bites to satisfy Delaney, but I wasn't very hungry.

"Is this about why Sirius was being so short with everyone?" Mary finally asked. "He's barely even touching his dinner and it's roast pork, that's his favorite."

I just shrugged and pushed my plate away, sipping my water. "It's whatever."

"No, it most certainly is NOT whatever, Poppy Elisabeth!" Delaney said in an angry voice. "He's being an ass so I made him burp slugs."

Lily snorted pumpkin juice out her nose and I couldn't stop myself from laughing. The group of us exploded in peals of it, making me snort even louder than she had. Maybe it was because of how upset I'd been earlier and I was a bit hysterical, but I wasn't going to question it.

"What happened? Did Evans turn some other poor bloke's hair green or did Kalum make someone else belch up slugs?" James asked from down the table.

"Not in a bit. Do you know someone who deserves to be on the receiving end of one of our pranks, Potter?" Lily retorted, leaning past me to argue with him. "Give us a couple weeks and we'll steal your thunder. Everyone will be asking: Marauders who?"

That made a genuine smile tug at my lips and I looked down at James to see Sirius already watching me. His face was devoid of emotion or warmth and it made me frown, averting my eyes immediately. Whatever happiness I'd felt for those few minutes was gone now and my stomach started to ache.

Thankfully, dinner ended soon after that and I got to leave the Great Hall. I had my arms crossed tight over my chest as I walked fast with my head down. I didn't want people to look at me, I didn't want people to talk to me, and I really didn't want Sirius to be near me.

"You should probably talk to him," Lily said, falling into step with me. "I don't think he'd just say something like that to you without something being wrong. He's obsessed with you, anyone with eyes can see that. Don't get me wrong, I don't like him or think he's a particularly fantastic person, but I know he makes you happy and I like happy Poppy the most."

As always, Lily was right and it was frustrating. He was going through a lot right now and I could feel him trying to put distance between us. It only made sense he would say what hurt me. Jeez, I'd been so clueless -he only hurt me because he was hurting inside.

I stuck back and waited for him in the common room, chewing my lip and picking at the sides of my nails nervously. He came in with the other three, a haughty smile on his mouth that instantly made me a little self-conscious. I tried to ignore how uncomfortable I was and went over to the group of them. I never thought I'd miss the blank expression from dinner, but I was very wrong.

James, Remus, and Peter all smiled and greeted me, but Sirius just flashed me a smirk that didn't make my stomach flip like usual. "Hi, uhm, c-c-can we-we talk?"

I was stuttering, I hadn't stuttered since I was fourteen. It was one of the main reasons I stopped talking to anyone who wasn't Delaney. She never made fun of me for it and I slowly dropped the speech impediment as I got older with her help.

"Sure thing, babe," he said cockily, standing up and heading up to his room with me trailing behind me.

I was still chewing the inside of my lip with my arms crossed tight over my racing heart. We walked into his room and he sat on the edge of his bed as I stood, too awkward to sit down. We sat existed in silence for almost an entire minute before I finally spoke.

"Are you mad at me because we're not, _you know_?" I asked, forcing myself to not sound like a scared little kid. "Or are you pushing me away because you're hurting?"

I watched his eyes flash before a nasty smile appeared on his face, a big difference from the crooked one I loved. "No, sweetheart, why would I do that? I like going to bed with blue balls."

Shame flooded me and I felt bad, my eyes flashing down to the toes of my shoes instead of at his face. I should've known a guy like Sirius Black wouldn't be content with not having sex with a boring girl like me. I had too much baggage for anyone to want me, I was stupid to think otherwise. It was also so dumb of me to think he was pushing me away because he was hurt, our relationship had just run its course…

"Then I guess we shouldn't be together," I told him in a shaky voice. "I don't want to keep you from doing what makes you happy."

If sex was what made him happy instead of me, then I didn't want to keep him upset. He was going through a lot right now, and I obviously wasn't the person he wanted to help him through it. This was the last thing I wanted, but I also didn't want to stay in a relationship that wasn't doing anything for either of us.

"Sounds good to me," he told me like he wasn't breaking my heart into a million pieces.

"Yeah," I replied, my voice scratchy and rough as I struggled to hold back my emotions. "I'm going to go."

He didn't stop me as I turned and left the dorm, not that I thought he would. Instead, I just walked straight down those stairs and straight up the stairs to my bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone, for real this time. I stripped off my uniform and put on my pajamas before getting into bed, silencing and locking my curtains so no one could hear me or get inside, and hiding inside.

I didn't cry, I just stared at the canopy above my bed numbly. I should've known this would never work, he was so out of my league we were on different planets. There wasn't a boy in the world who could love me, there was too much attached to being with me.

Delaney called my name and tried to open my curtains later in the night, but I ignored her. I still hadn't cried, I just continued to lay in silence and stare upward. Not that I really expected to, but I didn't sleep at all that night.

I was a zombie the next day, moving and acting like I was supposed to with no emotion behind it. I didn't say a word, I didn't eat, and I didn't interact with anyone. I did my classwork and brewed Felix Felicis with Lily, only talking when I had to, and got the highest marks in the class along with ten House points. She wanted to ask what was wrong but knew I wasn't going to answer her.

Delaney was worrying herself to death over me, I could see it on her face. I was hurting her by not speaking about what happened last night, but the thought of talking about it made my throat tight. Sirius didn't seem bothered in the slightest, he was living his life like I'd never even been part of it. He and the Marauders even pulled off a prank, I didn't even know they had one planned.

"I can't take it anymore. What's wrong?" Delaney finally asked while we all sat together in the library doing homework after classes ended.

I swallowed and spoke for the first time. "Sirius and I broke up last night."

She, Lily, Mary, and Alice all looked at me in surprise. I suppose that was the last thing they expected me to say. Seeing as I was the only one who was upset, it didn't exactly look like a breakup. At least not one where we were kind of, sort of falling in love with each other.

"Why?" Lily asked, finally breaking the silence.

"Because I wanted him to be happy and I didn't feel like I was the person to do that," I shrugged, looking down at my homework instead of at them. "I wasn't giving him what he wanted and it wasn't good for either of us to waste our time."

"Bullocks!" Mary exclaimed, making Madam Pince shush us profusely before scurrying away to chasten someone else. "That is such bull."

I stayed silent and went back to writing my parchment for Charms. The group of them were talking in quiet voices about all the things they wanted to do to him in revenge, but I didn't participate. I just wrote about shrinking charms and tried to not keep spacing out in the middle of a sentence.

* * *

 **Remember things aren't always as they seem!**


	12. Chapter 12

I was in the library when a second year I vaguely recognized from my House ran up to me. "Delaney is crying in the common room! Lily Evans sent me to find you!"

I was on my feet and rushing out of the library before she could even finish speaking. I had my things shoved half-hazard into my bag and a couple pieces of parchment flew out, but that was the last thing on my mind. I spat out the password and hurried the portrait until it swung open and revealed the horde of people crowded around a couch.

I shoved my way through them and saw Delaney sitting in the center with Lily beside her. Instead of being awkward and standoffish, I crouched in front of her with her hands in mine. Tears were coursing down her cheeks when she launched herself at me, wrapping arms around me before she started really sobbing. Everyone else in the common room faded to the background as I held her close and tried to comfort her.

"Shh, Lanie, it's going to be okay," I soothed, rocking us back and forth in the middle of the floor. When I realized a bunch of people were still staring, I barked, "Find something else for your entertainment!"

The people scurried away pretty quickly after that and Lily helped me get Delaney upstairs away from the remaining prying eyes. I took her robes off for her and sat against her headboard with her laying in my arms, still crying. I had no idea how to comfort her because I didn't know what happened exactly, I just laid there and rubbed her back quietly.

"My mum was working on a law to make the word mudblood punishable by either a fine or possible jail time for a hate crime. His followers didn't approve and went to my house to get even," she told me in a shaky voice. "Mum was at work, but dad was at home… She came back to find his mark hanging above our house."

Death eaters killed her father, that's why she was upset. My stomach hit my knees before knotting as my eyes burned. I blinked back my tears and focused on Delaney, this wasn't about me right now.

Henry Kalum was a wonderful man, and I'm not just saying that because he's gone. He was a primary school teacher and worked at a kids' center during the weekends and summer. Not that anyone deserved to be murdered by Voldemort, but he really didn't deserve it. I had no doubt he would've given the shirt off his back if someone asked for it.

The Dark Mark hovering over a house was never good. It almost always meant the people inside were murdered by death eaters or Voldemort himself. I could only imagine the unadulterated fear that coursed the Izzie Kalum's head when she arrived home to see that hanging in the sky.

"Dumbledore told me I can go with mum, but I can't seem to get myself together enough to pack," she added, breathing in deeply before blowing her nose on the tissue Lily handed her.

"I'll do it, don't worry," I promised, smiling when Venus hopped up onto the bed and made herself comfortable on Delaney's lap. "V came to keep you company while I pack your things."

She moved up so I could get off the bed before stroking Venus behind her ears. The cat hugged up to her lovingly and pressed her nose against Lanie's cheek. While she was distracted, I hurried to pack her things. She and I've been friends long enough I knew pretty much everything she would need to take with her.

I was in the bathroom gathering up her things when Lily came in with me. She looked as hopeless as I did, it was not very fun to watch your friend suffer and not be able to do anything. Wordlessly, Lily pulled me into a hug and I felt myself deflate. I'd been so focused on being strong for Delaney, I hadn't allowed myself to think about how I felt. The second Lily wrapped me in her warm embrace, a couple tears leaked out of the corner of my eyes.

"I know he wasn't mine to lose, but I cared about him," I told her shakily, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my Oxford before pulling away. "Thank you."

I wasn't lying when I said I cared about Henry, I'd spent a lot of time over at their house before I moved in. A lot of my summers were spent there when I couldn't stand being home anymore and he always made me feel welcome. He was goofy and protective, an obvious Gryffindor if he'd been a wizard. The world was going to be a bit darker without him in it.

"Don't get so wrapped up in Delaney you forget to take care of yourself," she advised, zipping up the toiletries bag on the sink and handing it to me.

I nodded -she was right, I would do no one any good if I let myself go. I needed to put all my energy into helping her and her mother instead of avoiding my feelings until they overwhelmed me.

* * *

I went with Delaney up to Dumbledore's office to wait for her mum after she got a bit of control. The second Izzie came out of the hearth, she pulled me and Delaney into her arms and hugged us tight. After a few minutes, I stepped out of the hug and let the two of them have their time together.

"I'll gather your work so you don't fall behind, Lanie," I promised after she'd left her mother's embrace. "I'm just an owl and a Floo away if you need me, don't hesitate to ask."

They both nodded before disappearing in the green fire. I sat back in the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk and took a couple breaths, exhaustion sinking into my bones. He sat across from me and watched, bridging his fingers as he waited for me to speak.

"What do I do?" I finally asked.

"You take care of yourself and the people you care about. I'll send for you when I get the arrangements for Henry," he replied. "You can be excused from classes tomorrow if you need some time to yourself."

I nodded and made my way back to the common room, my cardigan pulled tight around me as I crossed my arms over my middle. The people who killed Henry were in leagues with my parents, they probably knew it was going to happen. Hell, as far as I knew, they could've made the plans. My stomach flopped and immediately went sour at the thought.

"Why are you wandering the hallways at night, Whitewall?" the air asked, making me jump and slap a hand over my racing heart. The air shifted and Sirius appeared with James just behind him, "I think that was a bit dramatic, don't you?"

"I didn't want Delaney to go by herself after everything that happened," I replied shakily. "And as for walking in the corridors alone, I can do whatever I like."

"Breaking up with me gave you a backbone, did it?" he asked, looking at me with a face only a pureblood could make.

"My best friend's dad was just murdered. Can you not make everything about you for one second?" I asked, frustration overwhelming my need to be unseen. "Seriously, get over yourself! You're not the only person in the world who's in pain!"

The icy mask over his face cracked and he dropped his eyes to the floor. I turned on my heel and made my way down the hallway, my heart aching because he didn't try to stop me on top of the ache from losing Henry. I guess we really were over. I would just catalogue that back for when I had time to think about it, but right now I had to focus on being there for Delaney.

"He's trying to keep himself from getting hurt," Remus announced, slipping out of the shadows and making me jump. "Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you."

"Trust me, I'm not going to hurt him. I don't even want to be around him and he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want me around him either," I replied, continuing my walk back to the common room.

He didn't give up and his long legs made him catch up with me easily, falling into step beside me. "We don't really know each other, but I know Sirius. He does stupid things when he's scared and his boggart would probably look like you."

That stumped me and made me stop, pulling him to the side before I started talking. "What are you talking about? He's possibly the best dueler in the school and I'm mediocre at best. Did you forget the time I turned my hair bubblegum pink on accident in Charms second year?"

"Fortunately for me, I did not," he smiled but quickly sobered when he saw my face. "He doesn't do well with emotions unless they're towards the three of us, and that was like pulling teeth. He doesn't trust people and he got scared when he started trusting you. Then the tapestry incident happened and you saw him at his most vulnerable and he bolted."

"Look, I have bigger things to worry about than his hurt feelings," I sighed. "He's not the only one with trust issues either."

"Delaney alluded to you also having problems but never specified about any of them," he said. When he saw me about to lecture him about boundaries, he held up his hands and said, "Which is fine, I swear I have more issues than you could ever dream of. It's not my business what you're dealing with if you don't want to share it with me."

"The thing is, Sirius knows everything," I told him, leaning back against the wall. "He knows about all my problems, but he wouldn't really share any of his with me. Which is cool, I just can't help him if he doesn't tell me what's wrong. I can't fix something I don't understand."

"Just keep pushing him, he'll crack eventually," he promised, giving my shoulder a squeeze. Then his face turned somber and he asked, "Can you tell Delaney I'm sorry about her dad?"

"I'm sure she'd love it if you wrote to her," I suggested, a flicker of a smile tugging at my lips. "I see the way you two look at each other, it's sweet."

He flushed from the apples of his cheeks down beneath the collar of his shirt. "No, it's not like that. She and I are friends."

I just shrugged and replied, "That's good, she needs friends right now. And she would still love it if you wrote to her."

"And Sirius would love it if you kept trying to be with him," he countered, but I could tell he was still flustered. "But you do whatever you want, and if you need to talk about anything, you know where I live."

Despite my dislike of personal contact, I wrapped my arms around him and let him hug me back. Even if he looked tall and lanky, the boy could give really wonderful hugs. When we parted, we went back to the common room together and parted ways for our respective dorm rooms.

All the girls were already asleep when I came upstairs so I quietly went into the bathroom. I was going to shower and get ready for class tomorrow. There was only a week of classes left before the Christmas holiday, but I wasn't sure if Izzie wanted me to come back to her house. I didn't want to intrude or overstay my welcome while they were going through such a difficult time.

Unfortunately, showering gave me more than enough time to think about the Sirius situation. I understood being standoffish out of fear and I also understood keeping secrets to protect myself. Yet, Sirius knew all my secrets and should know I'd never push him away or hurt him at all. Honestly, the thought of hurting him made me ache -even now when he's was being an insufferable prat.

After my shower, I still wasn't very tired so I went down to the common room. I relit the fire with a little magic and burrowed into one of the couches with my knees pulled up. I conjured a blanket and draped it over my lap, leaning against the cushy armrest as I stared into the flames.

"I've heard staring directly at fire burns your eyes," Sirius said, making me jump and sit up straight. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you again. Remus said you guys talked about me earlier…"

I just shrugged and flicked my gaze up to the mantel piece instead of the dancing flames. "You came up during conversation, yes."

"He also told me I needed to get my head out of my ass and be with you because no one else was ever going to deal with me being an 'entitled, spoiled brat with a mummy complex for days' like you would," he quoted, sitting on the other side of the couch. "He's right, I just don't want to inflate his ego anymore."

That made me snort and say, "Yes, Remus is the one with the huge ego."

"Fair enough, I deserved that," he told me, breathing through his nose dramatically before placing his hand over mine on the cushion. "I'm sorry I hurt you, I was afraid. What I said wasn't fair and it wasn't even what I think. I don't mind waiting for you to be ready, I'd rather sit with you while you do homework than shag anyone."

I sighed and looked over at him. "If that's your idea of an apology, I think I'm good without it honestly."

"I'm trying, Poppy! I don't apologize often, not even to the guys," he kept trying. "I didn't want you see me vulnerable, nothing good ever comes when I'm vulnerable. Then you called me by my full name the other night and it was terrifying. I just want you to know how sorry I am, I messed up."

He was being honest with me, I could see it on his face. The haughty smile was nowhere to be seen, but I couldn't forget the way he cut me to the bone without flinching. He could be very cruel and I didn't think I could handle that again. As if he hadn't already broken my heart enough, that completely severed the pieces.

I sighed and pulled my knees up, wrapping my arms around them with my chin resting on top. "I don't trust you anymore. You were so cruel and awful, I don't ever want to see that side of you again."

He didn't say anything, he just looked at me with a frown. We were at an impasse, he couldn't undo what happened and it seemed I couldn't forgive him for it just yet. I knew my face was betraying nothing, I'd perfected the expression a long time ago. I wasn't trying to be cruel, I knew how much that hurt, I was just trying to keep myself from getting hurt anymore.

"Please don't give up on me," he begged. "Do you want me to beg you on my knees? I'll do it! I'll stand up on a table in the Great Hall and announce how much of a bleeding sod I am! I'll do anything you want me to do."

"Why would you think I wanted a big show like that?" I asked in exasperation. "I just want you to feel like you can be yourself with me. I thought you and I were the same, but I would've never done you this way."

He bowed his head and moved to stand up, heading back upstairs away from me. "I'm sorry, I really am."

And the saddest part was I believed him.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review, y'all.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hi, this chapter is late and not the best. But I hope you like it.**

* * *

Being at Hogwarts without Delaney was horrible, I missed her like crazy. I'd left Dumbledore's office an hour ago after he told me about the arrangements for Henry Kalum's funeral. Remus and I were to Floo from his office to Delaney's house Tuesday morning and be back by that night.

The two of us were sitting in the common room together now, staring at the fire without saying anything. I had the sneaking suspicion his quiet presence was the only thing keeping me moderately sane right now. He didn't insist on talking or touching or anything, it seemed he just wanted to sit with me and I couldn't be more thankful. Then he handed me a piece of chocolate and my insides melted, making me throw my arms around him.

"Thank you," I whispered, feeling him gently pat my back. "I couldn't have handled this without you."

When I pulled back from him, I opened my eyes to see Sirius standing at the foot of the staircase with his jaw hanging slack. Even if I'd done nothing wrong, I felt ice flood my body followed by guilt. He quickly snapped his mouth shut and made his way over to us, a bit of fear collecting at the base of my spine out of reflex.

"I'm sorry about Delaney's dad," he said after he perched on the edge of the table in front of us. "I'll take notes for you in Herbology and Charms."

That surprised me and I'm sure it showed on my face. "You never take notes."

"No, but you always do," he replied with a shrug.

I was waiting for the punchline because this was surely a joke. When he didn't say one, I realized he was being real with me. This was probably his way of showing me he cared, he was trying to get himself back into my good graces. After the argument we had in this same spot last week, he'd been going out of his way to help me and be my friend. I know he was trying, but it was getting a bit suffocating.

"Thanks, I appreciate the effort," I smiled stiffly, standing up from the couch and turning to Remus. "Do you want to meet down here tomorrow at eleven?"

He nodded and I turned, heading upstairs away from the awkward situation. I didn't want to be thinking about me and Sirius right now, my mind had to be focused on Delaney. She needed one hundred percent of me and I had to give it to her.

 **Sirius' Point of View**

Seeing Poppy hug Remus felt like a stab to the back, but I knew it was my own fault. I'd made my bed and I was now lying in it. I'd tried my best to fix things, but Poppy wasn't like other girls. Whenever I messed up with them, I just gave them the smolder and they practically bent over backward for me.

Honestly, that was one of the things I loved about Poppy. She was such a challenge, nothing about her was easy. I understood being messed up because of your parents, but she had so much more battling around in her head. I'd never had to work for anything in my entire life, then she waltzed in and I feel like I'm constantly trying to be better for her.

She'd started trusting me and let me in, letting me kiss her and hold her intimately. Only for me to dash it to bits with a few choice words. I wasn't lying when I said I'd rather watch her do homework than shag anyone else, but I also wanted her more than I've ever wanted anyone in my entire life. Even if the thought of taking her virginity scared the hell out of me, I wanted to her to trust me enough to give it to me. I also wanted to murder the scum who gave her that scar, even if she wouldn't tell me who he was.

"What the hell is her problem?" I asked, slamming down onto the couch by Remus. "I'm trying and she doesn't care."

"You offered to take notes for her, that hardly makes you boyfriend of the year," he replied. "You really hurt her, Pads."

He wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. "She's so frustrating. I can't even get her to _look_ at me and she was all over you."

"Did you ever think that maybe that was your problem?" he barked, looking at me for the first time since I'd sat down. "Her best friend's dad just died, it would be like James' dad dying for you. She doesn't want to talk about you and your selfishness, she wants to be comforted and listened to. She hugged me because I don't pressure her to feel or do things, I just sit with her when she needs me."

He pushed up jerkily and stalked out of the common room, leaving me alone on the couch. I wanted to be angry with him, but I knew he was right. She needed someone to just be there for her and that wasn't me lately. I was pushing myself on her and trying to be like we were, but things were different now.

I hadn't thought about her pain in terms of how it would feel if our roles were reversed. Fleamont Potter was the only father I'd ever known, my birth one wasn't anything to brag about. If it wasn't for Fleamont Potter, I probably wouldn't be alive right now and I knew it. Poppy had to feel the same about Delaney's dad, the two of us were in the same boat on the ocean of shitty parents.

It was still early; most people were out in the castle or somewhere about the grounds. I really hoped Poppy was alone in her dorm or this was going to be a disaster. I levitated myself up onto the landing with grace I would usually brag about. Instead, I made a beeline up to the sixth year girls' dormitory. The light was on, but only one of the beds had the curtains pulled around it -Poppy's. I took that as a good sign and approached it, fidgeting nervously with my hair like I was a nervous little kid.

"Poppy?" I asked quietly, hoping to whoever was up there this was her bed.

The curtains parted and her face appeared between them. Her eyes were bloodshot and she had bags under her eyes I didn't see before. She had her hair twisted on top of her head and it was clear I'd interrupted her crying.

"What?" she asked, her voice rough and crackly. Then she mistook my silence for disgust and snapped, "This is what I look like without charms and makeup. I bet you really want to leave now."

"No!" I argued, desperate for her to keep talking to me. "You're sad, but you're still beautiful. You're always beautiful, freckles."

I watched her wince and felt my heart crack, the nickname used to make her grin and her cheeks blush. I'd really messed things up, so much I might not be able to fix them. Merlin, I really hoped that wasn't true.

"Did you need something?" she asked, sitting up with her legs crossed. "I thought I made it pretty clear I didn't want to talk."

"Then we don't have to talk," I told her desperately. "We can just sit in silence, I just want to be here for you."

I watched her battle with her emotions, chewing her lip anxiously. I was so sure she'd tell me to leave, I was about to turn around when she shifted back on her bed. After toeing off my shoes, I crawled inside and pulled the curtains closed behind me. The two of us just sat together, looking at each other for a few minutes.

"This isn't some ploy to get me to sleep with you, is it?" she asked in a tired voice. "I don't think I can handle that."

I shook my head immediately. "No, I'm here for you. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it, even if that means leaving. I just want to help."

She looked at me skeptically for a few seconds before she laid down on her side, leaving enough room for me to do the same. Her eyes were closed and I saw tears clinging to her eyelashes. Being blasted off the tapestry was nothing compared to this. True pain was watching someone you cared about more than yourself hurt without being able to help.

"I'm sorry," I told her quietly. "I know you feel like you're not allowed to be sad, but you are. He rescued you from a bad situation."

She flashed her eyes up to me and gave me time to really look at them. They were the deepest blue I'd ever seen, I could get lost in them. I wondered how I'd ever thought her body was the sexiest thing about her. Don't get me wrong, her curves were still out of this world, but her eyes were so complex and intelligent -I felt my breathing hitch a bit.

I watched her slowly reach out and take my hand, sliding her fingers between mine. This was the most we'd touched in what felt like forever. I wanted to pull her close and kiss her, but I knew that would be crossing a line. She was allowing this because I'd done something right and I was going to appreciate it.

* * *

 **Poppy's Point of View**

I spent more time than necessary on curling my hair and doing my makeup the next morning. I charmed both into place and pulled on my cardigan before heading downstairs to meet Remus slowly. He was sitting in a chair by the fireplace wearing a black button down and khakis, looking uncomfortable already.

"Ready?" I asked, rocking awkwardly on the balls of my feet.

He nodded and stood up, the two of us leaving the common room slowly. We walked to Dumbledore's office silently. I put my hand on the bend of Remus' arm as we waited for the staircase to appear that lead us up to the office.

"Am I overstepping?" he asked without looking at me.

"No, Rem, you're not overstepping," I promised, reaching over and squeezing his bicep reassuring as the wall opened. "Delaney invited you, she obviously wants you there because you two care about each other."

That reassured him enough to follow me up the stairs. Dumbledore wasn't there, but Fawkes was sitting on his perch by the fireplace. I don't know why, but it felt like he was there waiting for us. I scratched the feathers at his neck and he cooed happily before gesturing to the pot sitting on the ledge of the fireplace. I nodded and did as he instructed, saying Delaney's address clear and loud enough for Remus to hear.

After the unpleasant swirl tugged at my stomach, I arrived in their home. It was familiar and usually made me happy, but the air around it was different today. I stepped out of the hearth and Delaney shot across the room to me. I gave Remus enough room to get out of the fireplace before wrapping my arms around her.

"Thank you for coming," she told me in a gravelly voice.

When the Floo roared a second time, she let go of me and went over to hug Remus. I saw his cheeks flush as he hesitantly patted her back. While they were talking, I went and found her mother in the kitchen with Henry's sisters. I'd met them in passing a couple times but couldn't remember their names.

She sat her glass on the cabinet the second she saw me and opened her arms. I hugged her and felt her let out a breath of relief.

"Lanie's running herself ragged trying to put this all together," she told me after we parted. "She won't let me do anything, she barely let me speak with the funeral director."

That was Delaney if I've ever heard, she always had to take care of everyone. "I can only imagine. Remus and I will try to keep her from running anymore."

"Is that the boy she keeps mentioning before she hushes up really fast?" Izzie asked, a hint of a smile lighting behind her eyes.

"Yes, he's in the living room. We got a ride here together," I told her, remembering Henry's sisters were muggles and didn't know anything about magic.

Things happened pretty quickly after that. Remus and I rode to the funeral home with Izzie and Delaney, Izzie explaining how muggle funerals worked to me. She got choked up a couple times and Lanie took over. By the time we arrived, I knew how to act and where to sit.

Remus and I stayed together while Izzie and Delaney made rounds to speak to all the guests. For obvious reasons, Henry was cremated and we were currently at his visitation. That meant people were coming to say their final goodbyes and pay their respects to the family. The funeral would come later.

"I feel weird being here," Remus whispered to me as we sat together in a pew toward the back of the place.

I placed my hand on top of his and replied, "So do I. None of these people know me or understand why I'm upset. I'm just glad you're here, too."

We sat together like that for the entirety of the visitation and moved up to sit closer to Delaney before the funeral. Once it was over, we waited with her until everyone left and I made my way up to her. I hugged her tight and felt her start crying, refusing to break in front of all those people. Tears of my own gathered behind my eyes and fell down my cheeks to match. Remus stood beside us and patted both our backs awkwardly, not knowing what to do but trying to help.

I definitely could've done worse in the friendship department.

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 **Thanks for reading!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hi, this chapter is hella late! I hope you're still reading!**

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I was walking back from class when Sirius fell into step with me. Even if it was stupid and sending mixed signals, I took his hand in mine and slid my fingers between his. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and felt the ghost of those dragons breathing fire in my belly. He looked so surprised and happy, his cheeks turning pink and his eyes growing to the size of dinner plates.

"I don't want to fight anymore," I told him.

There was a definitive pause lingering between us that had him pulling me into an empty classroom. "You know I don't want to fight either, but I don't want you to do this because you think it's what I want."

I sighed and sat on one of the desks in the room, letting my bag fall to the ground. "I just feel lost and want something to hold onto so I don't drift off into space. I also really miss you."

I'd felt lost since Remus and I came back from the funeral without Delaney a few weeks ago. She was staying home until after Christmas and I couldn't say I blamed her. I had other friends, but I could feel myself shutting them out and trying to distance myself. The thought of going back to being the scared, nervous mess I was before this year really scared me and I didn't want to do it.

He came over to me and sat in the chair in front of my desk. "Poppy, I don't want you to feel bad, but I also don't want you to pull me close because you think it's what you want only to change your mind later. I want you to be positive or I'll wait until you are."

I shook my head and said, "No, I want to be with you, but you need to know you don't get another chance after this one. If you hurt me again, I'm done forever."

He pushed up from the chair and held my face in his hands. "I'll never do that again, you have all of me if it's what you want, freckles."

I moved forward on the desk and pressed my lips to his hesitantly, hoping he'd kiss me back. He didn't disappoint, he leaned further into me and moved his lips against mine. I relaxed in his embrace and wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he moved his down to grip my waist. I eagerly allowed him entrance when his tongue teased at the seam of my lips.

We kissed each other so thoroughly I wasn't sure if I could walk when we finally broke apart. I didn't miss the way he sat down immediately, but I had suspicions that was for a different reason entirely. Because I wasn't finished kissing him, I moved from the desk to his lap and reconnected our lips.

When I moved a certain way, he groaned and I felt why he'd sat down so quickly. He was hard and didn't want to upset me, that was actually kind of sweet. I was a bit surprised when I didn't freak out about it, I wanted to be closer to him. Sex was still not something I was ready for, but knowing I turned him on was a heady feeling.

"I'm sorry," he told me, pulling away when he heard me gasp. "I'm not in control of my body and you're gorgeous and I haven't had sex in a long time. Merlin, you just forgave me and I'm already messing things up."

"I'm not upset, baby," I reassured him, brushing my fingers through his hair soothingly. "I know you can't control it. Honestly, it's good to know you think I'm sexy -I wonder sometimes."

"You can't think that," he exclaimed. When he saw I was very much being honest, he stroked his thumbs over my jawline. "You are the sexiest woman in the world. Just look at how blue your eyes are, I never knew eyes could be intelligent and sexy like yours. Then there's your body, but that's not what I want to talk about. Your smile, the real one not the fake one you use when you're nervous, make my heart pound and I start sweating."

My face was hot at his compliments, but I couldn't look away from him. "You are too much! If you're not careful, I'm going to start believing you and become a total brat."

"You dealt with me being a complete brat, I can handle anything you throw at me," he replied, twisting one of my curls around his fingers.

I laughed and kissed him again, but it couldn't get very deep because we were both smiling now. We got up a little bit later and headed back to the common room. His hand was holding mine securely the entire way inside and up to his room where the other Marauders were already gathered.

"Are you two back together?" James asked, looking up from the parchment Remus had spread out on the bed. When I nodded shyly, he pressed on, "That means you're sworn to secrecy about all of our pranks. This one included."

I agreed, dropping my bag to the floor and pulling out my Potions' book. I toed off my shoes and got comfortable on Sirius' bed, with him placing a gentle kiss on my forehead before going over to his mates. They were talking about the statues and Slytherins so I tried my best to not listen. I was a terrible liar so the less I knew the better for all of us.

"All those girls who plan on trying to slip some potion into our pumpkin juice will get a face full of it themselves!"

That drew my attention and had me walking over to the group of them. "You know Slughorn will be irate if you make a joke of Amortentia. He's raved about it being the 'most dangerous potion in the world' at least twice a day since we started learning about it."

"Only if we get caught, love," Sirius winked, making me roll my eyes playfully.

He was such an arrogant bastard sometimes and it was going to get him in trouble on day.

* * *

Sirius insisted on getting to Potions earlier than necessary, and it was futile to argue with him. I just held his hand and let him drag me to the dungeons with the other Marauders in front of us. I knew he was trying to get there before other students and Slughorn so they could set up their prank. I didn't mind that much, their rambunctious antics were a welcome distraction from what happened to Henry Kalum.

"Aren't you a bit curious what we're doing?" James asked, tinkering with something in the potions' closet as Peter kept watch and Remus messed with the desks. "It's going to be awesome!"

I just shrugged, crossing one leg over the other and opening my book. "I'll see when it happens, I suppose. The less I know, the better."

"Padfoot, your girl is boring!" James shouted, making Sirius look up from the desk he was messing around with.

"Don't you worry about my girl," he remarked. "And she's not boring, not even a little bit!"

My cheeks burned at both his compliments and him calling me 'his girl.' He winked before going over to help James, the group of them scurrying to their seats when Peter gave the signal. The group of them were the most popular kids in school, but that would be dashed to bits if people saw how lame they truly were.

Sirius kissed my temple before going over to sit with James and Lily came to her spot beside me. Since Delaney left, she'd taken up the slack and been my partner in every class. I turned to tell her about the prank only to see Sirius pressing a finger to his lips, telling me to keep quiet. I pouted but did as he asked, turning back to the front of the room as Slughorn came into the room.

"Class, today we brew the world's strongest love potion: Amortentia!" he announced, making a couple girls giggle in the front row. "This potion, in my opinion, is the most dangerous one we'll brew this year. While others cause boils, comas, and even death, this one does something far worse. There is little a man wouldn't do for someone he loved, even if the love is synthetic."

He was right, love made you do stupid things. I shivered a bit and volunteered to go get our ingredients when Slughorn gave us time to brew. I really didn't want Lily to inadvertently make us a target for the Marauders' prank. Sirius came into the close behind me and I followed his lead, taking what he did to avoid getting wrapped in the web of their prank.

"Your ingredients are good, freckles. We didn't charm your desk," he winked before going over to his station as I went to mine. "Keep an eye on the girls in the front row…"

I furrowed my brow but nodded regardless, going over to Lily to start our assignment. We boiled the water in the cauldron and tossed in the rose petals. Lily watched the potion as I prepared the Boomslang skin to go into the swirling water.

The liquid had just turned pearly white when I heard the first gasp, making me look up at the front row. The cauldrons of a few girls exploded, making their faces bright pink and the room fill with smoke. It smelled sweet and outdoorsy, making warmth fill my belly and my eyes close as I inhaled happily. I didn't know a smell could make you feel this comfortable.

"Children, we need to evacuate the classroom. The smoke is a mild form of Amortentia, it'll cause any infatuation you already have to become deeper," Slughorn announced, waving his hands spastically. "Children, out the door right now!"

We all did as he asked, albeit a bit slower than usual as we tried to smell as much of the potion as possible. This was the last class of the day for me and I wanted to spend the rest of my day with Sirius. He was so nice to look at and made me so happy, I wanted to kiss his full lips and run my fingers through his soft hair.

"The effects of the smoke should wear off in an hour or so…" Slughorn said uncertainly, tugging at the collar of his robes nervously. "Class is dismissed."

Like he'd read my mind, I felt the familiar roughness of Sirius' hand as he twined his fingers with mine. He lead the way to Gryffindor Tower, the others forgotten in our haste to be alone together. We'd just made it up to his room when his lips found mine and his hand gripped my bum under my skirt cheekily. I whimpered wantonly, arching my back to get closer to him.

"Bed, over there," I told him between gasps for breath and kisses. "My feet are sore, love."

He lifted me, balancing me easily on his hips, and took me over to his bed. He laid on his back with me astride his hips, our tongues fighting for dominance as they brushed against each other wantonly. I needed to be closer to him even if a nagging voice in the back of my head told me to slow down. I didn't want to slow down, I wanted to move faster.

Sirius' lips found my neck, licking and sucking as he untucked my shirt and unknotted my tie. I did the same to him, undoing the buttons with sure fingers and spreading my hands out flat over the hard planes of his chest. His fingers moved faster than mine as he unbuttoned my shirt, pushing it over my shoulders and kissing down to my collarbone.

"Sirius," I gasped, arching into him and tilting my head back.

He groaned in response, hitching one of my legs up over his hip. Our centers were pressing together in the most delicious of ways, but we still weren't close enough. The voice in the back of my head started to get louder, telling me I shouldn't be doing this. So, when Sirius slid his hand up my skirt to rest on the waistband of my knickers, I was shocked out of whatever trance I'd been in with a gasp.

"Sirius!" I cried, pushing him back by his shoulders and moving to sit against the headboard with my breath tearing out of my throat.

I hastily pulled my shirt back up and tried to rebutton it, but my hands were shaking too hard to get the buttons into the holes. I looked up at to see him staring at me in horror, realizing what we'd done. He moved over to me slowly, holding up his hand in a gentle gesture before rebuttoning my shirt and pushing my hair out of my face timidly.

"That wasn't what the prank was supposed to do, I swear!" he told me quickly. "This was not what we intended, I'm good with what we've been doing. What can I do to make you believe me?"

I lowered my arms from my chest slowly and took a couple breaths to stop my voice from shaking. "I'm not upset with you, baby. I know you didn't do this on purpose, and I'm not upset it happened. I'm just a little bit overwhelmed by everything I think."

Relief glimmered behind his eyes as he ran a hand through his hair to right it, but his shirt was still open and his trousers were still tented. My face burned bright when I moved back over to him and held his face timidly in my hands, brushing my thumb over his lips. His gray eyes held mine, waiting for me to make a move so he knew what I wanted.

"That was okay, I just don't want to do it so fast next time," I reassured him, sitting on my knees beside his hips. "Can you stop treating me like I'm delicate?"

"But you're my delicate flower," he grinned, his hands staying put on his lap. "My beautiful, delicate flower I got a second chance with I'm not planning on wasting."

I laughed nervously and leaned my forehead against his shoulder as I breathed slowly. "I wonder how Lily and James fared considering it increased previous attraction?"

I tried to not watch as he adjusted himself in his trousers to be more comfortable, but my face heated up quickly. He snorted and kissed both my cheeks, making me blush even harder. Christ, I was such a blushing virgin sometimes…

"Do you know something I don't, baby?" he asked.

"Uh, what?" I asked stupidly, my previous thoughts erased when I looked at his bare skin exposed by his still unbuttoned shirt. "You're gorgeous, did you know that?"

The last thing I expected was for him to rub the back of his neck and look down awkwardly. I reached out and ran my fingers gently over the hard planes of his chest. They trailed down to the sculpted muscles of his stomach I thought only existed in magazines.

"You're going to be the death of me, war be damned," he sighed shakily. Then he tried to change the subject by asking, "Are you coming to my Quidditch game tomorrow?"

I brushed off his question and traced my fingers along the lines of abdominal muscles. "Do I make you nervous, Sirius? I don't think I've ever seen you nervous, love."

He breathed shakily and his hand reached out to grab my hand and still its movements. "You make me incredibly nervous, I'm trying my best to not push you. I don't want to lose you again, freckles."

That made me smile and moved my hands back to my legs. "I'm sorry, I'm probably not making that very easy right now. I'll keep my hands to myself."

"I never want that," he teased, smirking at me without his usual bite. "If I had my way, your hands would never leave my body."

I slapped his chest before doing up his buttons and pulling him back to lean against the headboard with me. Before he did, he took my shoes off and toed his off to join them. I was running my fingers through the silky strands of his hair, jealous of how soft it was.

"The last time I saw my parents, my mother used the Cruciatus Curse on me," he said, looking straight ahead as he recounted the painful memory. "I used the last bit of my energy to get in the Floo and go to James' house, and I never went back. I have no doubt she would've killed me that night had I stayed."

The last thing he wanted was for me to apologize, I knew that struggle all too well. Instead, I pulled him closer to my chest, continuing my fingers journey through his hair. I never would've pointed it out, but I felt tears wetting my shirt as his shoulders shook a little bit. This was what I wanted, him sharing with me instead of pulling away when things got painful.

"Thank you for telling me that," I told him a while later when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. "I want to know all of you."

He sat up and I saw his eyes were red and bloodshot. I reached up and wiped his cheeks clean of tears before pulling him into a kiss. It was soft and comforting, the way a kiss needed to be after a moment like we'd just shared. I was scratching his scalp when James, Remus, and Peter burst into the room with James talking rapidly, his cheeks flushed.

"James made out with Lily!" Peter shrieked, making Sirius hoot and me hit his chest playfully.

"Then she promptly slapped him when she found out he was responsible for the smoke," Remus added, making me snort.

"Inadvertently!" James shouted desperately. "Poppy isn't angry with Sirius and I'm sure they went further than we did."

"I'm also his girlfriend, it's different," I told him, moving to the foot of the bed to check out his face. "You're going to have a nasty black eye, but you'll live."

"Good, my face is one of my best features! I'd hate for it to be ruined," he replied, running his fingers gingerly over his cheeks.

"Yeah, it'd be dreadful to have your face be permanently marred," I deadpanned, looking at him with a raised brow.

"Horrid indeed, hampers how you live your life," Remus tacked in just as monotone a voice.

"Okay, Scar Squad, I get it. I'm insensitive," James snapped. "Go talk to Lily, I'm sure she's got loads to add."

I snorted at the name he gave Remus and I but felt Sirius tensing from where I was crouching. I rested a hand on his knee and he slowly relaxed, a noise akin to a growl leaving his chest. That noise shouldn't send sparks of pleasure through me like that. I needed to get some air and get out his bed before I did something stupid… like him.

"I think I'm going to go check on Lily," I said, pulling on my shoes and grabbing my bag from the floor. "Next time you do a prank, maybe do it a little better?"

Sirius stood up and kissed me fleetingly. "I'll see you at dinner later, yeah?"

"Count on it."

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	15. Chapter 15

I got a bit more festive for this Quidditch game because Sirius and I were a couple now. I wore the same lion on my cheek, but it roared now every time Gryffindor scored. Sirius was quite the showman for this game, he and James commanding the audience's attention. Even some of the Slytherin girls were fawning over the two of them, anger flashing through me when a group of them blew kisses at him when he flew close to them. He winked at them and I winced, my heart squeezing painfully even if I knew he was just being cocky. He had no interest in them, he'd sworn his heart belonged to me and I believed him. That didn't mean I liked watching him flirt with other girls.

"I'm not even dating him and I'm annoyed with his act!" Lily huffed in my ear as Sirius blew a kiss to the Ravenclaw stands. "I want to punch him in his stupid, arrogant face."

I sighed and told her. "He's fine, he doesn't mean anything by it."

I wish I believed what I said, but it was painful to watch. I was split down the middle of trusting him and being upset it was happening. I held tight to the belief that he wouldn't mess things up this soon after we got back together…

When I flashed my eyes back to the Pitch, my jaw dropped in surprise at what I saw. Hufflepuff caught the Snitch right as James threw a Quaffle through the hoop to tie the game. If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't believe it actually happened. The sea of yellow and black erupted in cheers along with the Slytherin stands, happy Gryffindor didn't win. I saw the disappointment on Sirius' face from where I sat, but he covered it quickly and sank to the ground.

When the crowd slowly cleared out later, I made my way over to the locker rooms where I'm sure my dejected boyfriend still was. James' face had a deep frown carved into it, he clearly took the loss as personally as Sirius did.

"He's pretty upset," he told me, giving my shoulder a brief squeeze before heading up to the castle.

I pushed the door open slowly and called, "Sirius, love, are you in here?"

He grunted in response and I took that as an okay to come inside. He was sitting on a bench with just his Quidditch pants on with his head hanging down. I sat behind him on the bench and rubbed his tense shoulders, kissing between them and ignoring the salty sweat that touched my lips.

"Why are you here? I'm a showoff and a loser," he sighed, leaning back against me and allowing me to wrap my arms around him. "I lost the game."

I dropped my arms and got off the bench to crouch in front of him on the floor with my hands on his knees. "You most certainly did not! You scored a bunch of points, you always do! It wasn't you fault Jones got to the Snitch first. As long as you beat Ravenclaw next time, you're still moving forward… I think. I still don't really understand how the game works exactly."

That made him crack a small smile and look at me for the first time. "You still want me even if I'm not a star chaser?"

I pushed his hair out of his face and smoothed my fingers over his stubble covered cheeks. "I don't care about that at all, I just care about you."

He leaned forward with his forehead against mine and his eyes closed. "I love you, Poppy."

I didn't speak because I was trying to remember how to breathe. The only person who'd ever said they loved me was Delaney and it hardly carried the same weight as Sirius saying it. I sat flat on my butt and made him tip forward a bit as I removed his support. His gray eyes flashed open and looked at me, fear apparent in their depths.

"No one's ever said that to me other than Delaney," I told him breathlessly. "Can I have a second?"

He nodded and stood from the bench. "I have to go shower anyway. Wait for me?"

I agreed and let him drop a kiss onto my head before heading back to the showers. Once I heard the water spray, I pulled my knees up and sat my chin on them. He'd only had a choice few people say they love him, too. He wouldn't have just told me that if he didn't mean it one hundred percent. Sirius Black loved me.

I was very attached to him, that much was clear by how lost I felt without him. Four months wasn't a lot of time together, but it felt like we'd been through years with each other. He made my days better just by being there and smiling at me with that crooked smile of his only I got to see. When I thought about my future, he was there without a doubt and that ended up making my decision for me.

He came back into the room with his slacks slung low on his hips, towel drying his hair. He'd just finished buttoning up his shirt when I stood up and walked over to him with purpose, pressing my lips to his with his shirt clutched in my hands. He dropped the towel in favor of holding my hips instead, pulling me impossibly closer as I pushed him back against the wall.

When my lungs felt like they were screaming for air, I pulled back and looked up at him. "I love you, too."

Whatever fear he'd been feeling was gone now and replaced with pure happiness. He lifted me by my waist and spun us around, a squeal leaving my lips as I held his neck tight. Pure joy filled my stomach while his laughter filled the room, soaking into my bones. His crooked smile was bright when he sat me back on my feet, leaning back against the wall with his hands resting on my hips.

"Let's go back to the castle, yeah?" I asked, pushing his wet fringe out of his face. "I'd hate for that beautiful mane to frizz."

He hefted me over his shoulder and carried me back up to the castle with me trying in vain to keep my skirt from flying up. Instead of going into the Great Hall like I thought, he went up to Gryffindor Tower and straight to his room. He flipped me onto his bed and barked at Remus and Peter to leave before closing the curtains around his bed, dipping his head down to kiss my neck.

"Sirius, slow down," I gasped, pushing on his chest until he stood up. "Can we go a bit slower? I'm not ready for sex just yet."

He pulled back to sit on his knees, looking down at me with adoration. "Of course, freckles. We can go as slow as you want."

I sat up and shrugged off my cardigan, tossing it to the side and laying back flat on his bed. "Take off my shoes for me?"

He snorted and rolled his eyes, but took my foot in his hand anyway. My skirt fell to my waist, barely giving him a glimpse of the lace of my knickers. His eyes didn't wander, he watched his fingers as they untied my bootie and put it on the floor before doing it again with the other foot.

"You and these socks are so sexy," he breathed, kissing my knee before he laid my leg back down on the bed and crawled between them. "The lion is cute but a bit annoying. Mind if I vanish it off?"

I nodded, lounging back against his pillows lazily. He pointed his wand at my face and I felt the tightness of the paint leave. I took his neck and pulled him down to kiss me, his wand hitting the floor as his tongue fought mine for dominance.

I started unbuttoning his shirt and pushed it off, him throwing it somewhere. I smoothed my hands over his chest and slid them down to rest on his stomach. I felt him suck in his breath more than I heard it, his stomach sinking under my palms. The next thing I knew he was smoothing kisses down my neck as his fingers tugged my shirt free of my skirt.

"You can touch me," I told him, scratching his skin gently and making him shiver.

He growled against my neck and moved his hands under my t-shirt to touch my belly and side. "Mmm, love, you're so soft."

I giggled breathily and moved my hands around to run up his back. "You are, too. I'm surprised. My big, strong man should be rough and tough."

He snorted and lifted his head to look at me. "Don't belittle me. I am a big, strong man who cares about moisturizing. You'll appreciate it when we're sixty and my skin is still tight as your ass is now."

He gave my bum a squeeze to prove his point, making me squeak. "Sirius Black! You are impossible!"

"Say my name like that and I'll give you anything you want," he groaned, moving up to hold the bottom of my shirt. "Can I take this off? I understand if that's not okay."

I nodded and let him pull the top over my head, leaving me in my plain blue bra. If he didn't like it, I couldn't tell. He dipped his head and scattered kisses all over the newly exposed skin eagerly. When he lifted his hand to lay it over my breast, I sucked in a breath nervously. Thankfully, he let go only to take my hands in his and pin them up by my head. My breathing was even harder now and I couldn't see anything but Alexander Nott above me, making pure panic rush through me.

"Alexander, stop!" I whimpered, trying to yank my hands from his grip. "Please let go of me. I don't want this."

I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled my arms in on myself when he released me, curling in on myself. Tears were streaking down my face as I tried to keep myself together. After what felt like hours, I finally gathered my bearings and realized where I was and who I was with. Embarrassment took the place of my fear, but I forced myself to roll over and look at him anyway.

His eyes were huge and his lips turned down in a frown as he sat as far away from me as his bed would allow. Rejection coursed through me even if I knew that wasn't what this was, I was the one who pushed him away. I felt extremely vulnerable and he wasn't within touching distance to calm my racing heart.

"I am so sorry," I forced out, my voice rough and crackly. "I didn't mean to ruin this."

He took a few minutes to think out what he was going to say before speaking. "I know you said he pulled your dress down, but I didn't know he _touched_ you like that or held you down. I'm so sorry, Poppy. I don't ever want you to think I'd force myself on you. I swear to God I'll never hurt you like that or abuse your trust."

"Why do you put up with me? I promise I'm not worth it," I told him, lying flat on my back with my arms crossed over my exposed stomach. "Alexander saw to that."

"Are you talking about Alexander Nott?" he asked through a clenched jaw. "Is he who hurt you?"

I was up on my knees and clutching his wrists desperately in seconds. "Please don't do anything stupid, I can't lose you. I love you too much. I need you, Sirius."

Like a switch was flipped, his shoulders lost their tension and he pulled me close. "Shit, sorry. I don't want to push you, but I really need to hold you."

"Will you give me a shirt to wear?" I asked, nervously chewing my lip. "I don't want to be this naked right now."

He kissed my forehead and ducked out of the bed, coming back with one in his hand a few minutes later. I laid it on the bed and got up, sliding my skirt off and exposing more of my skin. His eyes never left my face, watching for any discomfort on my part. I left on my socks and turned my back to him as I took off my bra and pulled on his shirt.

"Can we lay here?" I asked, crawling into his bed and sitting on my knees. "And keep kissing, the kissing was good."

I desperately didn't want him to treat me differently after what happened. He laid down and held up the covers open for me, cupping my face gently and pressing his lips to mine when I laid beside him. I let out a relieved sigh and kissed him back, not intense or hard -just sweet brushes of lips and light touches to only the covered parts of my body.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you," he told me when we were lying on his bed together with me cuddled into his chest. "But never say you're not worthy of me. If anything, I don't deserve you."

I just shook my head and stayed quiet, pressing my face against his bare shoulder. I'd become quite comfortable with topless Sirius, it didn't make me jumpy anymore and I thought that was progress. Unfortunately, he couldn't touch me when I was topless because I had flashbacks of being assaulted. That was something to work on.

"I want to let you in, I wanted you to touch me like that," I confessed to the skin of his shoulder. "I just flashed back to that night and it wasn't you anymore."

He rubbed his hands up and down my back without speaking for a while. I really hoped I didn't overwhelm him or upset him when I said that. We'd just gotten back together and I didn't want to mess things up with my damage… again. I really hoped he wasn't angry I compared him to the boy who hurt me, even if it was my trauma talking instead of actual comparisons.

"Are you going to say anything?" I asked, pulling back from him so I could catch his intense gray gaze. "It's okay if you're angry with me, you're allowed to feel like that."

He shook his head and continued rubbing my back, then he pressed a tender kiss to my lips. It was so sweet and dripping with so much love it shook me to my very core. I just clutched his elbows desperately, clinging to him. I'd never felt so adored in my life, it was like he would rather kiss me than breathe or he was breathing me in instead of air.

When we broke apart, I kept my eyes closed as I tried to calm down my racing heart. He didn't have to tell me anything, that kiss told me every single thing he couldn't put into words. I slid his hands under the back of my t-shirt and let them rest against my skin, his fingers tracing along my spine gently and kissing my forehead.

"I love you," he told me, resting back against the pillow beside mine. "Thank you for making me feel better after the game and for loving me."

I just tutted and kissed the bottom of his chin before tucking myself under it with a relieved sigh.

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 **Thanks for reading!**


	16. Chapter 16

**I dropped the rating from 'M' to 'T' because it didn't seem like a mature fic.**

* * *

 _Pops,_

 _I'll be really glad when you're here with us, the house is too empty with just mum and me. When I send this, there is a week of classes left and I'm counting down the days until we pick you up from the Station. I couldn't leave mum alone after the funeral, I don't think she would've made it. She's just so sad, she sits and stares at the wall for hours without saying anything. I've heard her say a grand total of ten words since the funeral, and none of them were directed at me._

 _I don't want to put pressure on you, you're allowed to stay at the castle if you want. Honestly, I wouldn't blame you much if you did. This is a lot to put on your shoulders, I know you're already stressed because your parents' trial is Thursday. I'll be there, but mum is going to sit it out… she's sorry, she just doesn't know how to tell you right now._

 _Anyway, I'll see you Thursday._

 _Love,_

 _Delaney_

I sat at the breakfast table, the muffin I'd eaten souring in my stomach. My parents' trial was Thursday, two days from now, and I wasn't looking forward to it. I knew no one was making me go, but I had to see this through until the end. I couldn't explain why, but there was no way I couldn't. I'd never told Delaney I was going, she just knew me well enough to know what I was going to do.

"Freckles, what's wrong?" Sirius asked, his thumb rubbing the inside of my knee where his hand rested.

I folded Lanie's letter and put it in my bag before pushing my plate away. "I'm just worried about Delaney's mum, she says she's not doing very good."

Sirius knew about my parents' trial but hadn't offered to go with me. I didn't want to ask because it was pretty obvious to me he didn't want to be there. There was also a good chance his parents would show considering they ran in the same crowd as my parents. I couldn't ask him to do that, I wouldn't ask him to do something that made him so uncomfortable. It was also pretty dangerous if we were being honest.

We finished eating a bit later and parted ways for class. I headed out to the greenhouses with Mary and Alice while Lily went with the boys. Mary linked her arm with mine as we walked and I realized I must look like I was a million miles away… because that's what I felt like.

"We know you weren't thinking about Delaney this morning," Alice told me quietly. "Is it about the trial Thursday?"

I sighed and nodded, chewing my bottom lip as I tried to figure out the best way to explain. "I'm stressed about it and Sirius hasn't mentioned wanting to come with me. I can't ask him to either, it would be so awful on him because I'm sure his parents will probably be there. I can't put him through that kind of pain."

They didn't know the things I did about his parents, but I saw the fear flash behind their eyes. The Blacks were notorious followers of Voldemort, everyone at Hogwarts knew that. They also knew about their disdain for their son's deviation from the family norm

"He's your boyfriend, he should want to support you," Alice argued as we entered the greenhouse and she saw Frank. "I know he would come with me without a doubt."

There was no way I could make her understand how different our situations were. She and Frank weren't from families filled with Death Eaters. They didn't have to watch their backs extra hard, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that. She was just trying to be a friend, something I was seriously lacking until this year. Her innocence would probably be shattered sooner rather than later with the brewing war, but I didn't want to be the one to do it.

* * *

My friends tried their best to keep me distracted, suggesting homework study groups and forcing me to play Quidditch with them after class on Wednesday. It was fun while it lasted, but then I had to go back to my room and try to sleep with everything in the world weighing me down. Well, at least I tried to sleep, but it wasn't happening any time soon.

I sighed and got up from my bed, toeing downstairs and over to the boys' stairs. I opened the door and tip-toed over to Sirius' bed. When I parted the curtains, I found his bed empty with the bathroom door open so he wasn't in there. I just shrugged and crawled inside, choosing to wait for him to come back and have him cuddle me. It was the only thing I could think of to calm my anxiety.

I lost track of how long I waited in his bed, but it was very clear to me he wasn't coming back any time soon. Devastated tears filled my eyes at the realization that came crashing down on me. He had another girl he was seeing other than me, he was with her right now. That had to be why he didn't at least offer to go with me to the trial, he was trying to distance himself so it didn't hurt as much when he broke things off. I was so stupid to think this would work out, I was a liability -I just messed up every single thing I came in contact with.

My eyes were burning as I pushed up from his bed and snuck back downstairs. I didn't want to go upstairs, I was going to sleep anyway. I sat on the couch instead and waited to see how late it was when Sirius came back. When I finally heard the portrait door open, my eyes started burning all over again.

"Freckles? What are you doing up?" he asked, worry clear in his voice. "Is something wrong?"

"What's her name?" I asked, not looking away from the fireplace. "Before you lie, remember how thin the ice you're currently skating on is already."

He rushed over to stand in front of me, dropping to his knees and taking my hands in his. "Poppy, I swear I'm not cheating on you."

"Then why do you look like you just got back from shagging someone in a closet?" I asked, no bite in my voice no matter how badly I wanted there to be.

"Poppy, I'm not cheating on you. I swore I'd never hurt you again and I'm keeping to that," he told me, bringing my hands up to his mouth and showering them with kisses. "I'm not sleeping with anyone other than you and I'm definitely not having sex with anyone."

"Where were you?" I asked pathetically, forcing myself to hold his stormy eyes. "I couldn't sleep so I came to find you, but you weren't in your bed."

His eyes flashed nervously and bile rose in my throat, he was lying to me. He was struggling to come up with a lie about where he'd been because he couldn't tell me the truth. Sirius wouldn't lie about where he was unless it was going to hurt me.

"Poppy, I love you so much, but I can't tell you where I was," he said, clutching my hands tight in his as his eyes filled. "I'm not cheating, you're the only girl I ever want to be with. I don't want anyone else ever, but it's not my secret to tell. Merlin, I will do anything for you to believe me. Please don't walk away again, I can't lose you again."

"He's not lying, he was out with me and James and Peter," Remus said from behind the couch, making me jump and my tears spill over when I blinked.

I turned to see him limping over to use the couch as a crutch to stand. Sirius dropped my hands and moved to wrap an arm around his waist, helping him get over to the couch beside me. Then he got back on his knees and held my hands again, still begging me to forgive him with his eyes.

"Remus, you look awful. Are you okay?" I asked, releasing Sirius' hands so I could wipe my face and turn my attention to him. "Godric, what happened?"

I saw fear flash behind his eyes and knew it was something really bad. The flames from the fire flickered across his face, turning it pale in the dark common room. The bloated full moon had gone away a while ago and the room had lost its light. I looked at the scars on his arm and realized they looked almost like claws… oh my goodness, it made sense.

"You're a werewolf, aren't you?" I asked, my voice barely above a timid whisper.

The strings of fear sprouted in my stomach, but I refused to let false ideologies color my opinion of him. He was sweet and gentle, he'd never hurt anyone. I'm sure we would've heard about werewolf attacks if they'd happened at the castle, Dumbledore was pretty honest with us about most thing. Even if I'd been taught werewolves were murderers and monsters, I'd also been taught muggleborns were filthy and rubbish wizards -a blatant lie.

I don't think I'd ever seen fear as clearly as he expressed it. He didn't say anything, he just braced himself for an attack. Instead, I picked up my wand from beside my hips and tapped it against the open cuts on his arm. I healed them into pink scars, doing the same with all the open wounds I saw on his exposed extremities before looking up at his face again.

"Delaney's mum used that spell when I came to her house after my mother threw a crystal decanter at my face," I explained, holding his hazel eyes. "It broke my orbital bone and fractured my jaw, it also split my eyebrow and my cheek open."

His eyes were more open than I'd ever seen them, he was always so closed off from everyone. Instead of saying anything, he just hugged me and took me by surprise. He and I were the same way about touching, we avoided it as much as possible. I knew what hugging me meant to him, he was extending his trust to me that I'd keep his condition a secret.

When he pulled back from me, he gave Sirius a pointed look before limping up to his dorm. I looked back to my pleading boyfriend and saw him still on his knees in front of me. I let him take my hands in his again, but it felt less desperate this time.

"I'm an Animagus," he told me, his eyes holding mine without wavering. "I'm unregistered obviously, I did it so I could go with Remus during his changes. He isn't good to himself when he's alone, it's why he has all those scars."

I was overcome with emotions, making words impossible. He became an Animagus illegally, risking Azkaban, so his best friend didn't have to face his worst nightmare alone. There was also no proof werewolves wouldn't attack Animagi, he went in with hope he wouldn't be hurt but risking it anyway. The selflessness that entailed made it hard to swallow, he was such a good person.

"I love you," I told him in a shaky voice. "I love you so much, Sirius."

He tackled me backward on the couch, sloppy kisses being pressed all over my face in his excitement. I giggled happily, sour mood forgotten in the wave of emotion that overtook me. I moved one of his hands from cupping the side of my face down to my hip and under my jumper.

"Baby, we don't have to do anything," he breathed, pulling his mouth from mine and moving his hand back down to my waist. "I don't want you to be stressed before tomorrow."

I shook my head and pressed his hand up higher again. "No, I want this before tomorrow. We have time before everyone gets up and I want this."

"God, I love you so much and you need to know that," he told me, brushing my hair away from my shoulder so he could kiss my neck. "If you don't like something I do, please tell me. If it hurts or makes you uncomfortable, we can stop whenever you want."

I nodded, grinning at him as I buried my fingers in his hair. "I trust you, I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions earlier. Let me make it up to you."

His smile was salacious and made a delicious tingle course through me, my thighs clenching below him. One of his hands slid up my thigh, hooking it over his hip as he kissed my neck delicately. When he pushed my jumper up slightly, I moved up so he could take it off me before tugging his t-shirt off with it. There were new bruises and a couple scratches on his side, but he was still all in one piece.

"You are brilliant," I complimented, running my fingers over one of the bruises gingerly. "Godric, I want you."

He moaned at my admittance and moved his kisses down my chest, holding my eyes as he flicked his tongue over one of my nipples. I had to bit my lip to keep from crying out and getting us caught. I don't know where this wild hair came from, but for the first time in my life I wasn't afraid. I wholeheartedly wanted this, I wanted to lose my virginity to Sirius right now.

So, I did.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**


	17. Chapter 17

**This is the last chapter! Thanks for being so supportive and enjoying this story so much!**

* * *

I was lying on the couch in the common room with Sirius lying in front of me. My back was against the couch with my front facing him, our legs twined together. His fingers were brushing through my hair lovingly with his eyes closed and a smile on his lips.

"I need to go start getting ready for the trial," I sighed but didn't try to get out of his embrace. "Last night was really nice."

His eyes opened sleepily and his kissed my chin gently. "When are we leaving?"

I pulled back to look at him with confusion clear on my face. "Huh?"

It was his turn to look confused as his fingers paused in my hair. "The trial today, when are we leaving?"

He was planning on going to the trial with me the entire time? Did I really just create a situation in my head that wasn't going to happen? Well, I guess it wasn't the first time I'd done that in my life -last night was just another example.

He read my face easier than I thought possible. "Did you think I wouldn't go with you today, baby? I would never make you go alone, even if Delaney's going to be there."

When he wrapped me up in his arms and showered me with kisses, I felt relief course through me. Reluctantly, we released each other and he helped me get redressed with sweet kisses being pressed to the skin before he covered it. He'd barely redressed himself, pants and trousers back on but not buttoned, when he pulled me back onto his lap.

"I love you so much, freckles," he smiled, holding me close and kissing me until I felt like my body was full of bubbles.

Eventually, we parted and went upstairs to get ready for the trial. My body was sore in unfamiliar places, but warmth was soaking my entire body. I always thought I would feel dirty or used if I ever had sex, but I'd never felt more adored in my life. I knew things weren't going to be different between us, if anything we were just going to be closer. I wished the trial wasn't today, I would much rather be cuddling with Sirius in his bed or sharing our morning shower.

I heard another shower turn on and the weight of today finally sat on my shoulders. I was going to have to watch my parents brag about what they did, probably see people who'd touched me without my permission. I didn't want to admit it, but I felt so much better knowing I wouldn't be there alone. Some Gryffindor I was, I needed Delaney and Sirius to feel brave.

I got ready in a blur, trying to distract myself as much as possible. I wore tights and a long sleeve dress with my heaviest cloak, snow was pouring down this morning. Sirius was waiting for me downstairs wearing nice dress robe, worrying his bottom lip nervously.

"Freckles, you look nice," he greeted, but his smirk didn't reach his eyes. "Are you ready to Floo to the Ministry, sweetheart?"

I sighed and took his hand securely in mine. "No, but we should go anyway."

He nodded and lead the way to Professor Dumbledore's office with more confidence than I'd ever had. I'm glad he was at least good at faking it, I was shit at faking things lately. I Flooed first and waited for Sirius, the two of us leaving the grate when I saw Delaney waiting for me, awkwardly kicking the ground with her foot.

"Lanie," I sighed, releasing Sirius' hand and wrapping my arms around her tightly. "Thank you so much for coming today, it means a lot."

"Like I wouldn't," she replied, her arms just as tight around me. "Godric, I missed you so much."

We'd just released each other when Professor Dumbledore came down the middle of the hall, coming to take us to the trial. Sirius' hand my lower back as Delaney's hand held mine for dear life, just as nervous as I was. We entered the chamber together and I felt Sirius tense behind me and didn't need to speak a word to tell me why.

There was a man and woman sitting on the other side of the room who looked exactly like him. The woman had the same aristocratic nose and sharp cheekbones while the man had the same gray eyes and lips, but his were cold and cruel in a way I'd only seen Sirius' one time... I just didn't want to think about when right now.

"You can go back to the castle, I won't be angry," I assured him, knowing this was going to be hard on him.

He shook his head and straightened his spine, all signs of weakness disappearing as he looked straight at them. "No, you need me and I'm going to be here."

"She's okay, I've got this if you need to go," Delaney whispered to him. "I don't really know what the problem is, but I can see how upset you both are."

Delaney Kalum was a freakin' angel and didn't even know about it. She always put other people's feelings before hers, even if she didn't know exactly what was happening.

He shook his head anyway and followed us over to the bench where Dumbledore directed us. I didn't have to check their arms to know every single person across from us was either a Death Eater or a follower of Voldemort. I was picking at my fingers and refusing to meet anyone's eyes, choosing to study the toe of my heels instead.

"You're going to hurt yourself, freckles," Sirius whispered, tilting my head up so I was looking at him. "No one would blame you if you left."

I shook my head but didn't say anything, forcing myself to hold my head up high. The Chief Warlock came into the chambers and I stood out of habit, noticing no one across stood like we did. Then the room became cold and Sirius' hand gripped mine so harshly, I winced but didn't pull away from him. It felt like all the happiness I'd ever felt was being sucked from me, the thought of ever laughing or smiling again being yanked from my hands.

"Dementors," Sirius barely breathed, his grip tightening even more on my hand.

Three hooded creatures I recognized from books only floated into the room with my parents between them. I'd never seen my mother as anything other than perfect, but she was far from that right now. Her hair was frizzy and knotted, her face full of wrinkles and her age spots on display. My father, cool as ever, looked only a bit displaced as he sat with his hand clamped to a chair while the Dementor put mum inside a cage.

After the Dementors left, Sirius released my hand and lifted it to look at the bruises already forming. "Poppy, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize I was hurting you, Jesus."

My emotions were slowly coming back to me, my hand aching and my breath struggling to come out. My mum was my boggart, my biggest fear ever since I could remember. Seeing her in the cage like that made me wonder why I ever feared her. She looked so small and pathetic, a strong gust of wind looked like it would carry her off. She wasn't the woman who'd hit me or threatened me, she was just sad.

"It's okay, we'll talk about it later," I offered, reaching up to stroke his cheek gently with my other hand. "I understand, love."

He just nodded and leaned into my hand, kissing my wrist delicately. The court was called to session so we turned to face the Chief Warlock, Delaney's hand resting on my knee as Sirius barely held my hand out of fear of hurting me again.

We watched the trial, listening to my mother beg for mercy and apologize profusely for her actions. I'd known her well enough to know she did it because she wanted, she was just trying to cover herself. The court didn't agree with her and sentenced her to life in Azkaban. My father received the Dementor's Kiss, meaning he was going to be put to death.

Dumbledore escorted the three of us out and we went to a little pub across the street. Sirius and I sat on one side of the booth with Delaney across from us. Sirius lifted my hand from my lap and pressed his wand to it, whispering healing charms until the bruising disappeared. I'd forgotten he turned seventeen last month, we'd been fighting during the celebration so I didn't go to the party.

"Thank you," I told him, smiling at the waiter as he brought us our drinks and food.

I didn't order food, the thought of keeping my tea down was hard enough -I didn't even want to try food. Delaney was eating a salad and Sirius was forcing me to eat some of his chips, even if my stomach resisted. I swallowed a couple, enough to make him happy, before going back to sipping my tea.

We made painfully awkward small talk for a few minutes before Delaney stopped abruptly and forced me to look at her. "Poppy, you're not allowed to shut yourself off. You can be angry or sad or depressed or anything you want to be, but you can't just shut down."

"She's right, love," Sirius said gently, looking at me instead of his food now. "I know that was a lot, but you're not them and you're never going to have to see them again."

I didn't realize until he said that, I was sad because I'd never see them again. There was a little part of me that hoped they'd see the error of their ways and try to fix what they'd done. It'd be a lie if I said I wasn't hoping we'd reconcile one day. It didn't matter how awful they were, they were still my parents.

"I'm stupid," I told them, trying to brush off their attention as my face heated up in shame. "I just thought maybe we could fix things one day."

Delaney's eyes flared when she heard that. "No, I wouldn't have let you go back to that toxic environment no matter what you wanted. You were not going somewhere you weren't safe, it was only a matter of time before your father gave you to one of his sleazy friends. They'd been trying to convince him for years and you know it!"

I winced as memories I tried my best to forget came bombarding back, making me squeeze my eyes shut in fear of crying. My father's 'friends' had been trying to get me, they'd been trying since I could remember. My first memory of meeting an adult man was when my father brought a group of them home and one of them told me I was 'very pretty' and slapped my bum. I was six.

"I didn't say that to hurt you, Pops, I just don't want you to wreck yourself," she pleaded, moving out of her booth and coming over to crouch beside me. "We can't lose you, we love you too much."

Sirius timidly rested his hand on my shoulder and said, "She's not wrong, love."

He had no idea about all the men who touched me, only the one in the picture from the party. Like I said earlier, I tried my best to block out all those memories. I was a bit surprised it didn't feel like my world was falling in on itself, I was flooded with shame instead. Apparently, I didn't know how to *not* be overwhelmed with my emotions lately.

* * *

By the time we got back to the castle, I'd barely said six words. Delaney pulled Sirius to the side as we headed to the Ministry to Floo back, but I couldn't hear what they talked about. She and I hugged before parting ways, promising to meet at the Station the first day of break.

Sirius and I were sitting on the same couch we'd left this morning, his arm tossed across the back of the couch behind me. I turned and tucked myself into his side, kicking off my shoes and putting my feet under me. He wrapped me in his arms and kissing my hair.

"I reacted to the Dementors like that because my parents had a twisted sense of punishment for me as a child," he told me in a quiet voice so only I heard. "They never let them kiss me fully, only little bits to get their point across. I didn't even realize I was hurting you because I was so focused on not passing out."

I kissed below his ear delicately a couple times, resting my hand on his stomach as I got comfortable. "You never have to go through any of that again, I swear. I won't let it happen."

"And I won't let anyone touch you without your permission ever again," he promised in return.

We both knew there was no way we could keep our promises, but we would die trying. If I had my way, no one would ever hurt him ever again and I knew he felt the same. Delaney made the same promise when I told her about all the men who'd touched me, how I felt like they'd taken a part of me I'd never get back. I didn't get to tell her I felt like the pieces were slowly coming back together every time Sirius flashed me that crooked smile of his.

"Thank you for putting my pieces back together," I whispered to him with the fire crackling in the background. "I didn't think I would ever be close to being whole again."

It was another one of those moment when he didn't know what to say to me. Like the last time, he pulled me into a kiss that sent shivers from my toes all the way to the top of my head. He held me gently, reminding me a man could be tender and sweet, and kissed me to remind me I was still wanted and desired in a healthy way.

No matter what happened, he wanted to be with me and that meant more than he would ever know.

* * *

 **Like I said, thank you so much!**


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